columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on January 4th, 2005

In my last email on 9/24 I mentioned that the rates would be rising after the Fed meeting, and they did. The 30 year rate edged slightly higher.
Find out what you can get today. This site finds the lowest rates from hundreds of lenders. http://a
Best Wishes,
Sonya Yoder
Sr. Lending Officer

Dear Sonya,
So that’s what it was all about, huh? You were just waiting for the opportunity to say “I told you so.” That’s really mature, Sonya. For the record, I don’t remember saying that the rates wouldn’t go any higher, I said they shouldn’t. I mean, you have to admit, it was a crap shoot either way. I don’t even see why we’re arguing about this, the rates only edged slightly higher. Those are your words, Sonya, not mine. You really need to grow up. Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
– Howardnikkih

Dear Howardnikkih,
I apologize for not providing you with more targeted content. Here is a news item you should find very useful:


New Haven, CT – A recent study conducted by graduate students at Yale University’s Department of Sociology shows that Meatheads are the fastest growing minority in the U.S., surpassing African-Americans, Hispanics, and even Emo-Hipsters, where the margin was most alarming.

“I think that this huge rate of growth is owed, at least in part, to the ‘dumbing down’ of Americans,” said Jeffrey Deufenheisen, who assembled the data into incredibly easy-to-read pie charts, made of actual pie so that it would be interesting to Meatheads. “There was a time that Doofuses and Morons far surpassed the number of Meatheads in this country, but with the glorification of violence and proliferation of extreme sports, it seems that Meatheadism is on the rise.”

Project coordinator Professor Greg Heinrecht isn’t so sure about this correlation. “I’m not so sure that there are any more or less Meatheads in this country than there were twenty years ago,” he stated, “for we only just began identifying Meatheads in the last five or so years. Until now, most Meatheads were lumped in with Jocks or Bullies, but we now know that Meatheads are an entirely different type of person, one who may or may not enjoy sports and may or may not dunk the heads of Nerds into public lavoratories. It’s an entirely new paradigm.

“Another reason there are so many Meatheads is that Meatheads can be of any race, and of any social class, though most of them are privileged White males with enlarged pituitary glands.” admitted Prof. Heinrecht. “Still, the need to swagger about, belittle smaller people, and yell ‘woo!’ at rock concerts is somewhat universal. It’s not outrageous to say that everyone has a little Meathead in them.”

Jack “Crunch” Wasser, a Meathead who was used in the Yale study, supports Deufenheisen’s theory that Meatheads are made, not born. “I was a real spindly little nerd as a kid,” grunted Wasser as he attempted to trip people in the courtyard, “but when I saw the character Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds on TV when I was ten, I knew what I wanted to be. I bulked up and started making fun of kids with glasses.” At this point, Wasser clenched his jaw and started turning red in the face, and just as it looked like his eyes would pop out, he exclaimed, “Delta Theta Alpha fucking rules!” and gave this reporter a wedgie.

Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am Barrister James Williams an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine, by name Mr. Bob Mason, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as a result of Cancer here in London. I am contacting you to assist me in ensuring that the funds lodged by my client with a Clearinghouse/ Bank in the USA (New York), his bank, is not decleared unclaimed hence my reason for this contact to you. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated. My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my late client, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you, Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim as my client’s next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology.Please contact me at once to indicate your interest. However if you are willing to assist me in this venture, I will need your telephone number for a verbal communication with you and bring you into a much better picture of the situation.
Please contact me with the email addresses below:
Best Regards,
James Williams
One New Change
London, EC4M 9QQ
United Kingdom

Dear James Williams, One New Change, London, EC4M 9QQ, United Kingdom,
We here at the website of Gossiping Bitches dot com are very pleased to have hearing of your arrangement. One thing we are in wonder of is if law schools in England do not perhaps teach proper spelling and grammar? Particularly in the case of the creating of legal documents herewith, it is seemable to us that such effects would be strenuously stressed in the extreme. No matter, we will be pleasing to provide you with our phone number to facilitate verbal communication regarding the better picture that you will apprise us of in regards to your client’s death and the misappropriated funds relevant to the same. 867-5309. Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
RE: “Which Bush daughter” answer
THe one with the alleged sex tape is Barbara Bush.
Peace to the staff, Bejan

Dear Ari “Bejan” Fleischer,
You’d like us to believe that, wouldn’t you? Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Send me all your questions, comments and threats, and I promise to get back to you asap! That is, of course, unless I don’t.

Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.