columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on May 13th, 2004

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Why don’t you guys just go ahead and make one exhaustive list of Europeans who are on coke and get it over with?
– Rusted in Rutherford

Dear Rusted,
Do you mind if I call you “Rusty?” No? It’s okay? Thanks.

Dear Rusty,
I’m afraid that there aren’t enough megabytes on the internet to contain the full list of Europeans that are on cocaine. Ha ha! That’s a joke, of course. I don’t even know what a “megabyte” is! It’s some kind of computer term, though, right? I feel like the guy that wrote the screenplay for the movie Tron: “Hmmm, we need a name for this character here…let me just check the glossary of the tech manual of my Apple IIe…’RAM’ huh? Sounds like a cool name. Isn’t there a superhero named ‘Ram’ or something? Probably doesn’t spell it all caps, though. Anyway, it seems computerish enough.’ Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
With so much turmoil in our country — wars, civil unrest, poverty, disillusionment with government — what do you think the future holds for us all? Sometimes I think we’re all going to shit, whereas other times I think we’re already living in the shit and just do not realize it yet. I guess what I’m asking here is this: What do you think is going to happen on the season finale of Making the Band 2? I mean, we all know the show is all about Puff, but somewhere along the way, I have become emotionally attached to the group members. What will become of Dylan if he is indeed thrown out on the streets as the previews suggest? Will Ness go it alone with his Diddy approved, “My hood, my hood, what’s good” track? Will Babs continue to pronounce the word group as “gwoop”? Will Young City catch a disease? Please say they won’t break up, GB!
– #1 Band Fan in San Fran

Dear Band Fan,
Like all good, God-fearing people, I have faithfully followed the trials and tribulations of Da Band on this season’s Making The Band 2 on MTV. That is, when I catch it. What’s the deal with this show, anyway? It was on Tuesdays for a minute, then it kind of moved to Thursdays, and then for a few weeks I could only catch the re-runs on Saturday or Sunday. I might have been out those nights, though. I remember there was a spate of engagements about six weeks ago that kept me away from my beloved television for a few nights. And what kind of crap do they run in its place? Viva La Bam or some other such garbage. I mean, when that kid screws with his parents, that’s kind of awesome, but for the most part it’s like, “Oh, you want to slide down a cliff into a pile of horse manure and light yourself on fire? Be my guest—but do not waste precious celluloid filming it!” There’s been a lot more videos on MTV lately, though. I saw this one today by a group called “Hoobastank”—which I think is some marijuana-related thing—anyway, this one girlish-looking guy hits some dope-looking girl with his car, and then there’s like all this slow motion stuff going on, and in the end this one dude who turns out of the be the guitar player or something steals an ill ruby from a pawn shop and we learn the whole thing was an elaborate hoax meant to distract people from this amazing crime. I mean, is this what passes for a music video? Then I saw this other one where Britney Spears almost drowns in the bathtub and then she’s like a ghost watching all this stuff happen to her in the hospital. That one had a little sexual innuendo, though, so that was pretty cool. For the most part, though, music videos are lamer today than they’ve ever been. “U Can’t Touch This” indeed! Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Is it time to take it back to 1942 and start locking up Asians suspected of wishing to ironically audition for American Idol? I just can’t take this motherfucker anymore, and no amount of Oliver Wang essays is going to change my mind. He almost got aced in Detroit the other night. Almost is not good enough.

– Nipped Out in New Orleans

Dear Nipped Out,
I agree, the way the Americans treated Japanese and Oriental Americans during World War II was deplorable. I had to read Farewell to Manzanar in junior high school, and it affected me. It just seems so strange that the U.S. would be liberating people from concentration camps in one place, but then turn around and put people in concentration camps at home for practically the same bigoted reasons. It was so hypocritical! Luckily, we apologized to the Orientals and now we don’t have to be hypocrites any more! Thanks for reading!
– A Gossiping Bitch

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Last time I checked if you know anything about G-unit, you can’t name a location when you don’t have a specific one because the unit is so big it has many! So you should check your facts before you run your mouth.
– Ryshel20

Dear Ryshel,
We’re not about no fact checking, just check cashing. Thanks for reading!
– G-G-G-GB U-nit!

Send me all your questions, comments and threats, and I promise to get back to you asap! That is, of course, unless I don’t.

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