columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on October 1st, 2003

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
How much longer are our people expected to endure the stereotypes and slander handed to us by the media? Can we really afford this wholesale exploitation of the ‘hood at the expense of our humanity? You know exactly what I am talking about: not all White people are introspective and emotional like Sage Francis and Slug. The suburbs are not just about self-loathing and White guilt! Stop the hate!
– Hopping mad in Hoppingworth Court

Dear Hopping,
Very recently, the news has been ablaze with the RIAA lawsuits waged against those who have illegally downloaded mp3s on their computer’s harddrive, made available for further sharing. It is important to note, however, that the RIAA represents a few major record companies and not idividual artists. To be sure, many artists have come forth and spoken against the RIAA and its alienating practices. This is not true of all artists, though; LL Cool J had this to say in a recent article that ran in Wired magazine:

“[A studio musician] is not LL, he’s not getting the big check and doing the movie thing and all of the talk show stuff that I do, but he’s on the drums — he’s making a living. [Because of piracy], these people can’t live.”

Good news for the G.O.A.T.’s session musicians: Cool James is going to share his publishing! Right after monkeys fly out of my butt.

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
John Ritter, Dudley Moore, and George Plimpton are all dead, as promised. Tom Bosley will fall next if you do not relinquish the Doomsday Device! Heed our warnings, for we mean serious business! More moderately-liked celebrities will perish if you fail to deliver what we want!
– Coaltion of Terror in Copsfordburg

Dear Coalition,
Long-time friend of John Ritter and cool character from “Happy Days” Henry Winkler is an accomplished actor, director, and producer of television programs. People say he is easy to get along with and has great compassion for those close to him. But did you know that Henry Winkler is a Jew? It’s true! Our hired muckraking Gossiping Bitches have discovered that Winker and countless others in the entertainment industry are Jewish as well! I congratulate these people on their hard work and achievements; before long, they’ll be part of normal society and their funny little religion will have more mainstream credibility! Good for you! As for Fonzarelli, perhaps you would like to change that “Ayyyyy,” to an “Oyyy!”? Think about it!
– GB

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
So what, you fucking go around the internet and just talk shit about people? Brilliant stuff, asshole.
– Miffed in Michigan

Dear Miffed,
It’s amazing to think that a little over ten years ago, there was no such thing as the internet, and even five years ago it was not the multimedia interface that it is today. The internet has definitely been a positive influence on the World, bringing us all closer together and promoting individual ideas. But where can we go from here? It’s almost scary to think about, but the flow of information doesn’t look like it will be abating anytime soon. One thing is for sure: whatever happens, I and the rest of the Gossiping Bitches staff will be on hand to enlighten and inform you of all pertinent developments. Together, we can make this a better place!
Thanks for reading!
– GB

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