news: Guess What I Just Heard


Black Holes Make Noise; Claim to Have ‘Defest’ Booming System in Universe

By a Gossiping Bitch on September 19th, 2003

Scientists at NASA’s Cambridge-based Chandra X-ray Observatory have detected massive sound waves emanating from a black hole in the Perseus galaxy cluster.

“This is the deep bass section of the cosmic orchestra,” said Peter Edmonds, a Chandra scientist. “Sun Ra would shit his pants if he heard this shit.”

Registering at 57 octaves below middle C, the deep intergalactic hum is said to have a defecating effect on humans. “In the hiphop & rap world, ‘Def’ is usually an adjective that expresses very strong, emphatic feelings toward something.” says Tonya Cordelli, the first astrologer to observe the sound from the black hole. “But when we say these waves are defecating for humans,” she continues “we do not mean that in an endearing way.”

On Thursday, a publicist for an intergalactic ‘Sound Clash’ group called, The Black Holes released a statement saying it had the “defest” and “hardest” sound system in the entire galaxy.

“Yea, mon. We be hearing ’bout dey humans on Earth claiming they got the hottest sound system, mon” said Chauncy, the head member of The Black Holes. “But dem bomboclot, batty bwoys! BO! BO! don’t know shit about some inner-stellar / outer-stellar bump, seen?”

Kool Keith, a prestigious rap icon in the independent music scene responded, “Yea, I had heard about them cats. I didn’t know black holes could speak, so I never bothered to stop by their crib on my journeys to Perseus. But they got some bitches out there, blud. Me and [The Black Holes] got an album dropping next month on my label, Funky Ass Records.”

The Black Holes will begin touring the Perseus galaxy cluster, and surrounding solar systems in October. It was not quite clear at press time how The Black Holes would manage to visit their intended solar systems without swallowing them whole.

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