KRS-One Seeks to Consolidate Hip-Hop

Armed with a team of lawyers and a ten-dollar Army cap, KRS gave a press conference on the steps of the United States Patent and Trademark Office, announcing a campaign for what he called the “reinsertification of hip-hop culture.” Waving a fistful of patent and trademark application forms, KRS-One informed members of the press and passing citizens, “I have here forms for one-hundred and thirty-three patents and thirty-three and a third trademarks that, rightfully, belong to hiphoppas.” When told that you cannot file one-third of a trademark application, one of KRS-One’s lawyers stepped in and said the actual number was one-hundred and thirty-three.

Among the inventions that KRS-One seeks to patent are the phonograph, electricity, carbon, science, mathematics, and the most confusing of all, “Manifestation.” (See diagram.) He also filed a series of trademark challenges, all seemingly aimed at Hollywood actor/director Mel Gibson, for words and phrases such as “Master Blaster,” “Christ,” and “Mel Gibson.” “These words are infringements on my intellectual properties, which are the properties of the Hip-Hop Nation.” explained KRS this morning.

KRS’ trademark assault spilled into the online marketplace, where the Teacher claims over 89 websites operate under domain names which infringe on his newly-registered trademarks, such as “amazon.com,” “k-mart.com,” and “starwars.com.”

“This is completely preposterous,” said Mervin Glass, head of public relations for the United States Patent and Trademark Office, who had a pasty pallor and blinked in the sunlight, “one simply cannot file trademarks or patents on things which are already trademarked or patented. And Mel Gibson? How can he trademark a proper noun, especially someone’s name? Just preposterous.” Glass then leaned over to an aide and muttered, “What year is it?”

This comes on the heels of a questionable cease and desist order KRS filed with the Lower Court in Manhattan against the city of Trenton, New Jersey, over the city’s motto, “Trenton Makes, the World Takes.” He seemed especially concerned that this motto is is emblazoned prominently on the side of the Trenton Bridge, which connect Pennsylvania with Trenton. When asked at this morning’s press conference why he filed this suit against Trenton, KRS replied coolly, “The bridge is over.”

KRS was a leading member of the revolutionary rap group Boogie Down Productions in the mid 1980s. He has become the somewhat estranged and self-proclaimed evangelist of hip-hop culture, a role which began after his appearance in Keenan Ivory Wayans’ I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, claim friends and close sources.