news: Guess What I Just Heard


Thug Rappers Clamor for "Shiny Object #7"

By a Gossiping Bitch on January 28th, 2006

“Yeah, I may be coming back and whatever. I’m having sex with Beyonce. Def Jam doing alright. Young Jeezy moving units. Drug raps! Who would have thought it? But what I’m really most excited about right now is that I got an order for Shiny Object #7. I’m supposed to be one of the first ones in the world getting it. I think it’s like some prince in the Middle East and then me. This thing is gonna change the hip-hop game. Either you got it, or your career is over. Y’know?!”

It started with a comment from Jay-Z in the September issue of GQ. Jigga may be momentarily retired from the game, but his influence remains strong in the hip-hop community, as seen by the subsequent firestorm his remarks caused. Thug rappers everywhere rushed to their local jewelers to obtain this Shiny Object #7 without quite knowing what it was. They all left disappointed however, as there is still a cloud of mystery surrounding the unreleased Shiny Object #7, and few have any idea of what it is or how to get it.

Enter Gossiping Bitches, who was contacted last week by Cartier at our European Bureau. The jeweler confirmed that it was developing Shiny Object #7 and that Jay-Z will in fact receive one of the first ones made, but revealed little else.

“We are very interested in marketing our products to, how do you say, zee rappers de thug of American lands,” said some fruit from the company. “Here in my European country, we have imported many of the televised music short films of your rap singers. It has impressed us all how enthusiastic the rap singers are in things that make bright lights into the camera. We get blinded by the lights as viewers, but they don’t seem to mind this!

Our American colleagues have informed us that these rap singers will spend all of the advanced sums from their recording labels to purchase jewelry of the most tasteless and overpriced variety. That is when we thought it would be financially advantageous to create something that is as bright and damaging to the eyes as the rays of the sun.”

The fruit also said that there is no firm release date for Shiny Object #7, but that particularly physicists, hungry children, and Jewish people were working round the clock to have the initial models ready for late 2007, followed by a wider release in 2009. Predictably, thug rappers and others have already begun incorporating references to Shiny Object #7 in their verses. The list of these rappers is endless:

Pusha T: “Call me fat ass, ’cause I got that big crack game/ Fuck a URB mag, give me that Pitchfork fame/ Call me George Burns, ’cause I’ll send you to heaven/ Pump 11 in any man try to take my SO7”

Slim Thug: “To all you muthafuckas calling me nondescript/ Claiming I ain’t saying nothing 10 other rappers ain’t flipped/ Well, the Boss can talk about other shit than flossin, G/ Like … um … fuck it, I need a Shiny before they call me Boss MC”

Kanye West (the “others” spoken of): “We all have our problems, I’m no different/ Only mine got nothing to do with making the rent/ I gotta get a Shiny Object, that’s my only endeavor/ I’m such a bad person, but I’m also the best ever”

Juelz Santana: “Shiny, blimey, criminy, dimepiece, Object 7, throw that Reverend, no spots heaven/ Silly ho, feel me though, lick this, licorice, gibberish, bad fish, y’all feel this!”

Young Jeezy: “Kool G. Rap had my career already/ People act like they never heard Schoolly D/ Or any number of rappers talked the game before/ I do it half as good, make twice as more/ Cop that #7 at the Cartier store”

Thus ends the list of these rappers. That one fruit from Cartier says the company is very pleased by all the attention. “It is like flies to the shit,” he gloated.

As an exclusive to GB, Cartier has allowed a sole photograph to be taken of an early prototype of Shiny Object #7:

Cartier's Shiny Object #7

When not reached for comment, Irv Gotti called us anyway and said, “Between getting that bond money back, and sales of Ashanti’s Christmas album, I shouldn’t have any trouble affording this at all!”

Thanks a lot, jury of his peers.

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