Gossiping Bitches proudly announces that it will not be publishing a “Best Albums of 2005” list, making us the Only People on the Internet not to assume you cared what they thought was good. In the past, many of you have expressed dissatisfaction with our rather casual and intermittent posting schedule, but at times like this you must appreciate our laziness, right? Our lack of motivation has spared you at least one lone website visit where you won’t be forced to ponder things like whether you wanted to hear an album about a state by a guy with a gay name, or whether crack is really all that bad, or whether an unfulfilled brown girl fetish is enough reason to spend $14.
1. For we will not be laboring over lists that will be forgotten instantly, until this time next year when people will check the archives to dismiss reviewers’ current tastes by recalling how horrible their past tastes were. Unless, of course, you’re still down with Roni Size Whateverthefuck.
2. We will not be assigning arbitrary rankings to our selections, nor will we even struggle to find ten things we actually liked. We didn’t like ten things. We didn’t like three things. We hated everything. We hate you. We’d be down to write a -1 through -1,000,000 list, but that would be too negative for you, wouldn’t it? You’re just looking for something new to get into, or itching for an argument over omissions. We refuse to give you the satisfaction.
3. We will not be indulging the idea that one period of music is to be differentiated from another by something as silly as the end of a four digit number. This makes even less sense in the age of blogs, where tastes change dramatically from month to month, trend to trend. Besides, is there really an album that represents how you were into grime, until you weren’t, and then into favela, followed by “Baltimore club music”? Yet these things tell us more about what kind of year 2005 was than the Clipse mixtapes. Everything sucked and that forced us to latch on to anything. Bringing us to the next point…
4. We will not pretend you care about what albums released in 2005 we liked. You’re big boys and girls. You can find that shit on your own. What should reviewers/bloggers be telling us? It’d be nice if some of the ones pronouncing G.O.A.T. status to rookies would disclose the fact they only started listening to rap in the ’00s. We’d like to know which ones copped the Stezo reissue this year and acted like they weren’t born in the ’80s. We’d like to know which ones are fronting like they’ve been down with Bun B all this time, not just when they found out where Houston was on a Texas map. I mean, those guys are popular now? What kind of revisionist history is that?
5. See how goofy lists are? Now stop.