Gossiping Bitches

Nas is like, the rest of us. He watches the video shows, listens to the radio, downloads mp3s from his favorite hip-hop blogs, and wonders what happened to all the rappers who could actually rap. On his new album, Hip Hop is Dead (If I Worked with Puffy, Here’s How I Did It…), Escobar lends mainstream credibility to the Just Naming Every Rapper You Can Think Of concept — mined recently by the likes of Edan and Quasimoto — with his song (and subsequent remixes of) “Where Are They Now.” On the track, Nas demands to know what became of various hip-hop figures from yestercentury.

GB is like, obliging. We’ve hit up all connects in an effort to locate everybody on his list. Some who were not on the list called us nonetheless to let us know they were still alive (whatup, Turbo B!) in case Nas was wondering (sorry B, he wasn’t). Rammellzee actually called to ask where he was at. Anyway, we found them all, so here you go, Nasty Nas:

Redhead Kingpin — Stopped fronting and actually joined the F.B.I.

Tim Dog — Still hanging out on the front stoop of Kool Keith’s apartment building, looking forlorn.

Kwame — In a sanitorium upstate, wrapped in a straight-jacket, bawling inconsolably about Biggie’s “played-out polka dots” line.

King Tee – Chilling on that St. Ides residual money.

King Sun – Getting together his lawsuit accusing Ice Cube of biting the idea for Are We There Yet? from him; shipped off to Gitmo for his 1990 lyric “You’re gonna learn not to tamper with Islam/I’m blowing everybody up with this bomb.”

Super Lover Cee – Such a super lover, he now works three jobs to fund a score of illegitimate children.

Casanova Rud – Owns a gyro stand on the corner of 34th Avenue and Steinway Street in Astoria, Queens.

Antoinette – Waiting for the proper moment to drop her scathing answer track to “10% Dis.”

Rob Base – Trying to convince the creaters of Jock Jamz that “Joy and Pain” should be on the next installment; in jail for slugging a kid for asking him, “Hey, where’s DJ EZ-Dick?”

Black Sheep – Spending most of their time raising money for the Free Chi-Ali Legal Defense Fund.

Group Home – Premier stopped giving them beats.

Busy Bee – Still zooming off a huge cocaine binge from 1989.

Ill and Al Skratch – Turned out the homies were creeping in the ‘hood; Ill and Al, meanwhile, absconded to the Cayman Islands wth the advance money.

Special Ed – Was able to retire from the revenue earned from pawning his solid gold telephone.

Spice 1 – Much like the trigga, the boss at Jack in the Box gots no heart.

Positive K – As Grand Puba goes, so must go Pos K.

Father MC – Rejected as a possible contestant on I Love New York for having too many kids.

The Skinny Boys – Moved on to a lucrative career as “after” photos for diet shakes; pitching Disorderlies prequel.

Spinderella – Spinderella wasn’t a fella, but after three hormone treatments and one trip to an Austrian plastic surgeon, she is now.

Lakim Shabazz – Auctioning off his collection of beaded fezzes.

9 MM – Does the voice of “Pikachu” on the Pokemon cartoon.

Fu-Schnickens – Sick of the industry bullshit, they all piled into their gigantic chinese food carton one day and took off, never to be seen again.

Buckshot – Traversing the globe in an effort to make sure every single person on earth is aware of the fact that he knew Tupac. Last seen falling between sofa cushions.

Finesse & Synquis – Lord Finesse and Sequence?

Rappin’ Duke – “I think we covered this already.”

Oaktown 357 – On tour with HWA and BWP in 1992, the bus veered off the road and burst into flames, claiming all of their lives. Sadly, not one person seemed to notice.

J.J. Fad – It’s all in the name, folks.

Young MC – Still trying to get on The Surreal Life and get that Flavor Flav scrilla.

Tone Loc – Priming himself to take over duties for James Earl Jones.

Kris Kross – Despite the album cover change, Japanese fans got wind of the American version cover for The Bomb and stoned them to death in 1998.

BO$$ – Lateral Thigh Trainer infomercials for public access TV.

Divine Styler – Finally figured out what the hell he was talking about on Spiral Walls Containing Autumns of Light, achieved oneness with the universe, became an entity of pure energy. Still does a shitload of acid.

Def Jef – Actually went deaf.

Mic Geronimo – Still can’t get out of that TVT contract.

Pharcyde – A tale too sad to relate.

Coolio – Never recovered from “Weird Al” Yankovic’s butchering of “Gangsta’s Paradise.”

Craig Mack – Freddie Foxxx won’t let him eat.

Funky Four Plus One – The Funky Four have a perpetual gig in the Catskills performing their hits to old Jewish crones. Sha-Rock is secretly the head of Columbia Records.

Force M.D.’s – Absolutely sure that this is the year hip-hop doo-wop makes a comeback.

Ms. Melodie – Shaking her head in disbelief at every statement KRS makes in the media.

Shante – She’s a psychologist that owns an ice cream shop.

EPMD – At this point, Eric and Parrish are Munching Diazapram.

K-Solo – Waiting outside of DMX’s house to give him a well-deserved eye jammy.

Tags: edan, nas, quasimoto, tvt