An Oktober Conspiracy

Now that the baseball season has petered out into a somewhat less than epic match-up between teams representing a Jewish city and a town full of retired Jews, the farbiseners and shmendriks at Gossipingbitches.com hybrid sports/international espionage desk issue this late-breaking bulletin.

It involves what are at first glance three seemingly inocuous grober yung baseball fans. But in the wake of these three zhlubs lies a scandal. From the hallowed halls of the Anti-defamation League of b’nai b’rith, amidst the seamy underbelly of Manhattan’s Diamond District, to the mystical orgies of Kabbalists such as Madonna, and onto Shawn Green, Seth Green, Golda Meir, David Stern, Yitzak Rabin, television hostess and all around hottie Brooke Burke, and yes, the Likud party, lies a scandal the likes of which our national pasttime has never seen.

Steve Bartman, Josh Mandelbaum, Jeffery Maier. What do these men have in common, other than over-zealous baseball fandom and somewhat more than frequent visits to www.Jdate.com?

Taken in concert, the ethnicity of the three arch-meddlers and moyshe pupiks can hardly be deemed coincidence. In fact, with a little digging and intrepidness, we at GB have determined each a secret agent of the Likud fulfilling his part of a secret conspiracy to subvert baseball to a very specific, New York media benefiting agenda.

“Leave the poor kid alone.” “He feels terrible.” “He is truly sorry from the bottom of his Cub loving heart” etc. We’ve heard it all before. But if you look at the fact that no Jewish people actually live in Chicago, that it is actually a bunch of Polacks, Krauts and former sharecroppers, you’ll begin to understand. A schlemiel on the surface, Steve Bartman is actually worst type of shtarker. Feigning to not see Moises Alou, this spy singlehandedly caused the Cubs to miss the World Series when he clumsily interfered. The result? Millions in dollars of revenue for Hebrew South Florida. Millions of dollars to further support Zionist Cuban kibbutzes and grease for Fidel Castro’s plans of world domination. But we digress.

So who is Josh Mandelbaum, you ask? He’s the kvetch who nudged a Todd Walker hit foul ball fair during the ALCS, resulting in a Boston Red Sox home run. He almost cost the Yankees dearly. And his gaffe apparently cost him his job. With an intrepid Google search or three, Gossipingbitches.com managed to intercept this communique from Tel Aviv, “Mandelbaum you’re fired. You were supposed to prevent a homer, not cause one.”

And this brings us to Jeffery Maier. He’s the kid who caught a Derek Jeter can of corn — turning it into a home run, and costing the Baltimore Orioles a shot at the World Series. This singular act ushered in an era of New York dominance the likes of which baseball has seldom seen. The young pisher took his 15 minutes of fame and ran with it too. He was on Letterman, Regis, shit, everybody.

It’s no secret that the first three rows of every ballpark are filled with Fox employees and/or Jews. Only the Gossiping Bitches wondered, “How come dat?” And you heard it here first, at gossipingbitches.com.