This is Part 2 of GB1’s “I Hate the Everything” series. (Click here for Part 1) Last time, we covered everything from Chunky A to turntablism to EPMD’s breakup. In Part 2, we attempt to stop dating ourselves (story of our lives!) with comments on The Grey Album, Kanye West, Lil Jon, and much, much more. Well, just one much will do, probably. I mean, it’s not that much more. We’re pretty lazy.
And now, after a whooole lot of waiting, I Hate the Everything, Part 2.
Donal Logue: "Why is it that everyone in California forms these unwieldy crews of disparate talents? The Visionaries, Living Legends, Hieroglyphics — one at a time, fellas. There’s plenty of room for each of you to suck independently."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "I had New York pizza once in California, it sucked. Then I had New York deli in California, it sucked as well. I realized that everything you take from New York and try to make big in California sucks."
Mo Rocca: "The rap scene in California reflects the carefree, self-indulgent, myopic attitudes of Californians themselves."
David Duke: "It made me think of that character Damon Wayans used to play on In Living Color, the one who tried to look and sound all smart but would say shit like, ‘The flatulation vis-a-vis the scatulation must not conflagrate the menstruation of blackness.’ And Blacks trying to talk smart and being stupid is pretty funny."
Donal Logue: "A lot of people don’t know this, but John Norris was Skeletor’s stunt double in the major motion picture Masters of the Universe."
Anger Falcon: "Wait, that wasn’t a Chapelle Show skit?"
Timothy McPaid: "The jailhouse interview is not the career boost it’s cracked up to be, Tupac notwithstanding. I was serving an 8-month bid on some white-collar dirt I did, so my management called MTV to set up an interview. I wanted that hot Asian girl, or at least Serena Altschul. Who did they send? Gideon fucking Yago. I was ready to share my new found hip-hop prison wisdom, but this fool was asking me about access to condoms and Vaseline."
James Percelay: "Look, we have bigger problems to deal with. Literally. I mean, do you know about this Guerilla Black dude yet? Come back, Shyne. All is forgiven."
Mo Rocca: "It was really heartwarming to see so many young people put their time and effort into helping free a convicted criminal they knew absolutely nothing about. I mean, even Barrabas didn’t have T-shirts."
Anger Falcon: "Wait, you mean Yayo is a person? I thought all this Free Yayo shit was 50’s way of locking down the streets by giving out cocaine."
La La: "He’s, like, an old-school rapper, right? Y’know, like, ‘Yaaaay, yooooo!’ I love Naughty By Nature. I listen to his stuff all the time."
King Tone: "I’m working on getting Fat Joe to start a ‘Free Tone’ thing. These days, you can have a good rap career just by being in jail. You ain’t even gotta rap no more! Amor de rey!"
Anger Falcon: "Makes philaflava.com look like ughh.com."
David Duke: "It’s kind of like a less Afrocentric version of The Onion."
Swift Boat Veterans: "We’re troubled by their willingness to be untruthful to the American people."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "It’s kind of like a less homosexual version of Vice."
Donal Logue: "It’s kind of like a less inaccurate version of CNN."
Mo Rocca: "Them coming back is just sad. Basically it’s like watching Jordan return, except without actually having accomplished anything the first time around."
James Percelay: "This is the latest after-school program to sweep the ‘burbs. Are the parents who send their kids to DJ schools the new soccer moms?"
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "Soon, little Timmy will be the only fourteen year-old whose carpal tunnel syndrome is NOT related to masturbation!"
Anger Falcon: "Those who can’t, teach."
David Duke: "Expensive DJ classes are helping to ensure a continued abundance of White and Asian DJs throughout the new millennium."
Donal Logue: "Young man, you’ll get no desert tonight unless you march upstairs and work on your transform scratching! What, do you want to grow up to be a bum?"
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "Snow must be maaaad heated."
David Duke: "It’s about time dancehall had a high-yellow, ugly-ass face so that sorority girls can dance to it with no risk catching a severe case of jungle fever."
Swift Boat Veterans: "Sean Paul says he once took a cruise to Jamaica in May of ’96. In fact, Carnival records show he was never on that cruise."
Jessica Simpson: "Why would you want to name yourself after Puff Daddy’s clothing line? Was it an endorsement deal?"
La La: "Sean Paul is one of the hottest MC’s out now. He’s really expanding on the idea of what hip-hop can be. But why does he have two first names? I can’t figure that out."
Mo Rocca: "At this point, having the Black Album acapellas violates the Patriot Act. For once, I stand behind the Patriot Act."
Anger Falcon: "Remixing Jay-Z’s record was cool because you could feel like you were down with the Roc even though you weren’t. Kinda like Cam’ron."
James Percelay: "The Grey Album was instrumental in making The Black Album palatable to baby boomer-era Beatles fans who don’t give a fuck about rap anyway."
Mo Rocca: "I think Dame called that one group State Property because they’re basically a tax shelter*mdash;their money will soon become State Property indeed!"
Anger Falcon: "Right up there with the rest of the cast of Martin."
Donal Logue: "I think Memphis Bleek pumped my gas last week. Either that or the guy who pumped my gas is a shockingly mediocre rapper without a big label deal."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "It’s like the Bad News Bears if the Bad News Bears couldn’t rap and got arrested a lot."
C-Lig: "Speaking from the inside, I can tell you this is the best gig in the world. We just sit around all day, playing pool, waiting for somebody to film a video. That vodka is some bullshit, though."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "Swizz Beats must be maaaad heated."
Anger Falcon: "Only in America could a retarded Muppet get a big recording contract."
David Duke: "I love Lil Jon because I’m racist and enjoy watching tar babies coon it up."
Mo Rocca: "Can you believe this guy was an A&R for So So Def records in the early 90’s? That means he has the know-how to sign novelty rap groups and the talent to provide them with terrible beats."
Timothy McPaid: "Did you know he’s charging by the scream now? I tried to get him on my shit so it would get some club play, but could only afford like half a ‘Yeeeah.’"
Anger Falcon: "It’s amazing how damaging this show was to Stagga Lee’s career."
Mo Rocca: "Between Sticky Fingers on this show and Fredro on Moesha I think UPN is single-handedly responsible for the downfall of Onyx."
David Duke: "I can’t believe UPN cancelled Homeboys In Outer Space for this."
Donal Logue: "If he wasn’t banging Brandy between takes, then he’s the official Rappers Are Pussies poster boy."
Mo Rocca: "People dis on rappers as actors, but I heard that the cast of the show is very impressed with how he stays in his ‘complete prick’ character even when the cameras aren’t rolling."
Anger Falcon: "Didn’t he die from Prince Be-related injuries? Oh, that was just his career."
David Duke: "You’d think with all his notoriety, he’d be able to get a nose job. Dude looks like a Nazi doctor’s sketch of a simian Black man."
Mo Rocca: "KRS is about one interview away from becoming Walter Applewhite."
James Percelay: "From trying to goad Nelly into a battle to putting out an album of Christian hip-hop, KRS has proved the best way to achieve longevity is by making a complete ass of yourself."
Jessica Simpson: "I heard someone say Osama bin Laden’s hiding out in his nose. I don’t believe that. How can people say things like that? It’s so mean."
Mo Rocca: "Flav and Brigette Nielsen were a hot item on the latest Surreal Life. ‘Dead women hips to do the bump with’ indeed Flava, indeed."
La La: "I’m not familiar with them."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "I can’t wait for the Best of Both Worlds album featuring Ja Rule and Sisqo."
James Percelay: "Irv Gotti: ‘Ja, your street cred has taken a big hit, we need to come back hard. Got any ideas?’
Ja Rule: ‘Think tough, think street: think musical.’
Irv: ‘I hear you loud and clear, let’s remake Grease in your next video. Housewives and gays will love it.’
Ja: ‘Holla.’
Irv: ‘If that doesn’t work, we can always remake Battlefield Earth.’"
Jessica Simpson: "I liked that episode of Cribs where Ja Rule was having a party at his house, and all those other rappers were there. It was so cool! It’d be neat to be a rapper and have all that cool stuff. What? It wasn’t his house? Oh. Well, that can’t be right. I mean, isn’t there, like, a law or something?"
Anger Falcon: "Didn’t 50 Cent call this guy the Cookie Monster? — CM must be crazy pissed at the comparison…he never greased his chest or went out like a bitch."
La La: "As a fellow shopping mall discovery, I can really appreciate what Ja did for Ashanti. Like her, I also suffer from Femfacial Follicleidous. Thanks to Ja’s support, we were able to start a foundation for others crippled by FFF, funding programs for free waxing, counseling, and carnival employment outreach."
Mo Rocca: "Aren’t you supposed to sell more records after people die? The marketing department at Tha Row really dropped the ball on that one."
Anger Falcon: "T-Boz has a failed football career and Left Eye is dead. Talk about a doomed group. At least Chili has her restaurant chain."
La La: "The first female rapper. R.I.P."
Anger Falcon: "Sounds like a typical night at R. Kelly’s."
King Tone: "I once forced someone to drink Red Bull. Same difference. Now I own the rights to ‘Rico Suave.’ Amor de rey!"
Swift Boat Veterans: "Contrary to what he says, Suge Knight was never under any heavy fire. Oh, and Tupac’s wounds were self-inflicted, because his sales were dropping."
Mo Rocca: "Common kinda went Single White Female on Andre from Outkast."
Anger Falcon: "I don’t think most people will get Electric Circus until about ten years from now…which is when the Sony warehouse will clean out deadstock and millions of copies of the album will end up in dollar bins worldwide."
Swift Boat Veterans: "When Common stopped making rap music, he criticized it, giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Then he started dressing like he just got back from a Captain Beefheart concert, giving aid and comfort to Wavy Gravy. He reminds us of all the torture we went through back then—the horrible, horrible musical atrocities."
Mo Rocca: "Considering that Che taught disaffected white youths about the struggle of minorities while also turning his visage into a huge cash cow, I’d have to say he’s pretty hip-hop."
Donal Logue: "Halloween revolution for kids: Beret, unshaven face, no sense of the world, frat-boy bloodlust. Spout some Marx quotes, Karl or Groucho, and you’re good. Don your gasmasks, young men! It’s time to fuck the system up, if only for one glorious night!"
Jessica Simpson: "I was watching E! with my girlfriends this one time, and there was this Versace party, OK? And I said, Wow, look! Donatella Versace has her own Mini-Me! That’s so cool!’ And Heather was like, ‘That’s Lil Kim!’ I’m such a blonde sometimes."
Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "She’s got a face not even a mother like Cher would love."
Anger Falcon: "How the hell does she get respect in the fashion industry? When did the melting look ever come into fashion? I mean, you want to take a good beach towel to the woman, but fear that her skin will come off, leaving the deformed skeletal nightmare that undoubtedly lies beneath."
La La: "Luda is a hot lyricist. For example, when I move, you move. He’s saying we’re all related and stuff, you know? But I was so disappointed when I met him and found out he had a normal-size head."
King Tone: "That’s interesting. Where I’m at, ‘when I move, you move’ means you have a child pornographer from Houston shackled to you. Amor de rey!"
David Duke: "Did you ever see Kanye West and Alfonso Ribeiro in the same room? EXACTLY!"
Mo Rocca: "If anybody is in need of a rap alias, it’s this guy. Did he just not have any friends growing up or what? I can think of a few right off the top: Chompers, Caddy, Lay-a-way K…I mean, if you just stuck with teeth/jaw related ones, you could come up with thousands of good hip-hop names."
