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GB1’s: “I Hate the Everything” Pt. 1

By a Gossiping Bitch on November 11th, 2004

Talking out your ass is an American tradition. We live in a culture where not knowing what the hell you’re talking about is rewarded if you are able to maintain an obnoxiously authoritative tone about it. So the GBs got together and thought, “What if we got a bunch of desperate C-List celebrities together to comment and cap on various pop-culture topics?” After the magnitude of such an original idea took time to soak in, another one presented itself: “What if we published these worthless opinions of inconsequential people on the internet? Has anyone ever tried that before?” All agreed the answer was a resounding, “No…well, maybe…I don’t give a shit.” And that’s the tedious story of how GB1’s “I Hate the Everything” was born.

Now, let’s meet the participants: Mo Rocca, Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate, La La, Timothy McPaid, C-Lig, Jessica Simpson, King Tone, Anger Falcon, Swift Boat Veterans, Jeff Foxworthy, David Duke, Donal Logue, and James Percelay.

Without further ado, I Hate the Everything.

 

Mo Rocca: "The early ’90s was Arsenio’s time: He had a wildly successful talk show, he was dating Paula Abdul, and it seemed like everything he touched turned to gold. So, of course, the logical thing anyone would do in this situation is to jump into a fat suit and do a terrible impression of Cameo."

Swift Boat Veterans: "When the chips were down for Arsenio, Eddie Murphy could not be counted on."

Donal Logue: "As far as talk show host albums go, Large & In Charge was admittedly mediocre, but that shit was still way better than Alan Thicke’s attempt at Miami bass:AT & A."

Anger Falcon: "I’m still amazed he was able to come back as Bone Crusher."

Timothy McPaid: "Fat goofball rap is timeless. If B.I.G. had only moved more in that direction, or had himself craned in that direction, he could have been the greatest of them all rather than the one people say is the greatest because he’s dead."


Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "Sure, rhyme pays, but so does Dick Wolf."

Mo Rocca: "Come on, Ice, an energy drink that will ‘make your dick hard’? Any current dick problems I may have can be attributed to rappers like you glorifying cocaine use. Never mind the countless bandannas, sunglasses, and firearms I’ve got locked up in storage."

Anger Falcon: "I guess the game is to be told AND sold!"

La La: "Didn’t he make enough money off those Friday movies?"

King Tone: "Snoop, Crip. DJ Quik, Blood. So, what was Ice-T? Some kind of chameleon banger, speaking for all of us? That is a contradictory paradox. Amor de rey!"

C-Lig: "I’m telling you, I even spent time with them Latin Kings! I just showed up at this one Beatnuts show wearing yellow and mumbling some shit about PR, and all of a sudden I was down. Pretty fucked up because…what?…King Tone’s in the building now?…um…Amor de rey!"

Timothy McPaid: "He went from getting called out by Charlton Heston to playing a dreadlocked dog in a movie. Yo, please stop, ’cause I don’t want you to live. This is T McP, no peace."


Donal Logue: "Erick was way ahead of his time with the whole mush-mouthed rapping thing. I thought they broke up so he could go join up with Mase and Puff and all them and rap with marbles in his mouth."

Anger Falcon: "What did that name stand for, anyway? Erick and Parrish: Man-on-man Duo?"

La La: "Who broke up? A couple of doctors?"


Mo Rocca: "They changed their acronym from ‘Erick and Parrish Making Dollars’ to ‘Erick and Parrish Millennium Ducats.’ I think a more appropriate change would have been ‘Erick and Parrish Mighty Desperate,’ or ‘Erick and Parrish Managing Debt.’"

Anger Falcon: "This was the worst thing to happen to EPMD since their break up."

Donal Logue: "It’s simple economics: Two lousy paychecks put together are better than one lousy paycheck."

La La: "I’m glad those doctors got back together."


Mo Rocca: "When Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs recorded the tribute song to Biggie, ‘I’ll Be Missing You,’ he fended off criticism by stating that he’s not a rapper, he’s a producer. And then he went on to cement that fact by releasing two more albums worth of terrible raps."

Anger Falcon: "He makes Teddy Riley look like Rakim."

James Percelay: "Well, at least there’s finally a CEO who can actually do what his company does. Although simply doing it doesn’t mean doing it well."

C-Lig: "He was like, ‘I know you want me to rap and all, but the last time I listened to you, I was promoting a charity basketball game that turned into a deathtrap for all who attended.’ But he came around, obviously."


David Duke: "He just proves that Professor Griff was right about everything. Anybody who unleashes DMX AND Ja Rule on the public must be pure evil. Fuckin’ Jewboy."

La La: "Wasn’t he in 2 Live Jews? I loved that one song they did, ‘Oy! It’s so Humid!’ That was great."


Donal Logue: "Is this how the kids are freaking out the squares like the hippies used to do, fraternizing with black people and hijacking their cultural mores?"

Anger Falcon: "This is almost as good as New Coke, but with more ball sweat."

Mo Rocca: "After the uproar over marketing PIMP Juice to children, the parent company’s marketing department stressed that PIMP was an acronym for ‘Positive Individuals Making Progress,’ which is the best backpedaling I’ve seen since Onyx tried to explain that ‘Throw Ya Gunz’ wasn’t a violent song because by ‘gunz’ you could mean your ‘hand’ or your ‘mind.’ I’m still trying to figure out the symbolism in ‘Blac Vagina Finda.’"


David Duke: "They’re the watermelon and fried chicken of the 21st century! Al Jolson would be ecstatic."

Anger Falcon: "Have you guys tried the Mystikal ‘sour cream and sex at gunpoint’ chips? How about Erick Sermon’s ‘I might be gay and vinegar’ chips?"

La La: "My boyfriend says the best thing about dating me is that I can’t get fat since I’m on TV, so I have to work out all the time and avoid junk food. He’s so sweet."


David Duke: "First the Holocaust, now this…damn those Germans know how to get the job done!"

Swift Boat Veterans: "Grand Wizard Theodore has not been truthful with American beer drinkers."

Anger Falcon: "Ain’t that just like a German to try to erase Black people from the history books. What’s next, St. Pauli Girl inventing the straightening comb?"


James Percelay: "Nas is, like, totally on his own dick! You can hate him now, but he won’t stop sucking his own dick now! You Got Urself a Nas dick? Nas sure does!"

Donal Logue: "I cant wait until Nas and KRS meet with NASA, maybe they will finally get us those flying cars we were promised."

Timothy McPaid: "As long as he ends his album titles with ‘matic, his career will be fine. By the way, when does Disappointimatic drop?"


David Duke: "At last…the perfect hip-hop group: It’s a rock group with no Blacks. There’s some Asians in there, but at least it’s a step in the right direction."

Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "My favorite member is the DJ. He can push buttons on a sampler and make it look like he’s totally rocking out like nobody’s business."

Anger Falcon: "They’re no Gorky Park."


Donal Logue: "Rawkus was a record company begun by two corporate White guys who wanted to save hip-hop from the influence of corporate White guys."

Jeff Foxworthy: "If your label is more famous for the records it didn’t put out than the records it did…you may be Rawkus records.

If your label seriously thought Two High Whiteys had a chance of blowing up…you may be Rawkus records.

If your label considered Shabam Shadeeq a flagship artist…you may be Rawkus records."

Mo Rocca: "On one hand, it’s kind of awesome that dudes formed this progressive hip-hop label under Rupert Murdoch’s media umbrella. But on the other hand, they totally screwed Kool G Rap so that they could put out some more Company Flow bullshit."

Anger Falcon: "They must have an amazing backlog of unlistenable music they’re just waiting to flood New England dorms with."


James Percelay: "Word has it that Def Jam issued a cease and desist to get them to stop using the name ‘Def Jux.’ If they had the foresight to see what the label would grow into, I doubt they would have bothered."

Mo Rocca: "Def Jux is a totally revolutionary music label that doesn’t do the same things that ordinary music labels do, for example promotion and marketing."

Anger Falcon: "You know how Hammer wasn’t an MC, he was an entertainer? Def Jux isn’t a label, it’s a movement. An abrasive, unwashed, unlikeable movement."

Donal Logue: "Def Jux is the first label to really prove that you don’t have to look even remotely cool to put out hip-hop records. Or make hip-hop music for that matter."


Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "Hey, Cut Chemist, now that you’ve been on the Warped Tour, do you think you could bathe?"

Donal Logue: "hey can’t rap, but they make up for it by being pitifully old-school."

Mo Rocca: "All the fun of the Sugar Hill Gang, without the fun."

Anger Falcon: "Jurrasic 5 makes Arrested Development look tough."


Rodney Dangerfield’s Estate: "I like to drink, does that make me an intoxication mechanic? Or a drunkist?"

Anger Falcon: "What is a DJ if he can’t scratch? A DJ."

Mo Rocca: "Grandwizard Theodore must be feeling Oppenheimer-level guilt right about now."


Anger Falcon: "The more I see of Xzibit, the more I realize he is nerd rap."

Mo Rocca: "It’s good to know that shitty rappers can compete with talents like Dan Cortese and Joe Clair for crummy basic cable gigs. I mean, if hosting Pimp My Ride is in any way ‘regaining relevancy,’ then Cam’Ron is the most relevant rapper of the new millennium."

La La: "Xzibit is hot! One of the greatest MC’s of all time. I mean, he got an MTV show to last more than one year! That proves he’s the best."


Click Here to Continue to Part 2.

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