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Year in Wale 2014

By Wale on April 15th, 2014

The Weak in Wale - Day 2

Gossiping Bitch’s Note: We have temporarily ceded control of our website to rapper/activist Wale (for the week), who threatened to come to our offices and such and such and so and so if we did not provide him a platform.

Today, Wale looks back at what’s going to happen to him this year. We did not question this.

Year In Wale Calendar - 2014

January 1, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 2, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 3, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 4, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 5, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 6, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 7, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 8, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 9, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 10, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 11, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 12, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 13, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 14, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 15, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 16, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 17, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 18, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 19, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 20, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 21, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 22, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 23, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 24, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 25, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 26, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 27, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 28, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 29, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 30, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
January 31, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 1, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 2, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 3, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 4, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 5, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 6, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 7, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 8, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 9, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 10, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 11, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 12, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 13, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 14, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 15, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 16, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 17, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 18, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 19, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 20, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 21, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 22, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 23, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 24, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 25, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 26, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 27, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
February 28, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 1, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 2, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 3, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 4, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 5, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 6, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 7, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 8, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 9, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 10, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 11, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 12, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 13, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 14, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 15, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 16, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 17, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 18, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 19, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 20, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 21, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 22, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 23, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 24, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 25, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 26, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 27, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 28, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 29, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 30, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
March 31, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale, fights him at the wrestling show.
April 1, 2014: America appreciates Wale!
April 2, 2014: Nah syke America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 3, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 4, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 5, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 6, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 7, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 8, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 9, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 10, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 11, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 12, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 13, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.
April 14, 2014: America fails to appreciate Wale.

April 15, 2014: Finally, America gets it! President proclaims day shall henceforth be known as VW Day. Recording Academy retcons the whole fuckin Grammy Awards. Wale brings home trophies for Artist of the Year, Hottest in the Streets (new category introduced this year), Album of the Year, Best Group (properly recognizing all of Wale’s ill flows as individual voices), Song of the Year, Best New Artist (in recognition of America’s discovery of Wale), Lifetime Achievement Award, Best Rap, Period (unifying all rap categories awarded to Wale to avoid redundancy/embarrassment of Yeezy). Macklemore issues magnanimous text congratulating Wale, and freely relinquishes his awards. Privately, Macklemore seethes, vowing bloody revenge on entire nation, but that won’t come to fruition for a few years, so let’s move on.

April 16, 2014: Complex issues apology slideshow.

April 17-20, 2014: Whole rest of internet apologizes, celebrates Wale. Childish Gambino apologizes too, in unrelated incident.

April 22, 2014: #walehistorymonth online movement trends worldwide, causing changes in school curriculum, a day of History Channel programming dedicated to Wale videos, and the publishing of a new Taylor Branch volume (The Rapper About Nothing: America in the Wale Years, 2009-2014).

May 1, 2014: Juicy J told he has won “Hottest MC in the Game IX” as voted by Sway and panel of dignitaries. On this day he also learns he has inherited a sizable estate from a wealthy relative in Nigeria he didn’t even know he had. He travels there to collect.

May 2, 2014: Juicy J never heard from again. Wale awarded “Hottest MC in Perpetuity,” ending any future need to vote for that shit, son.

May 3, 2014: Wale gets in fight at Mayweather fight, wins on points over Maidana and Mayweather, becomes new unified Welterweight champion.

May 10, 2014: Wale gets in fight on last day of NFL draft. How is that even possible? What was he even doing there? What, he fought over the 12th round Jaguars pick? It doesn’t make sense.

May 14, 2014: Wale cast in Iron Man 4. Cast in that hot suit, too, and no other rapper can say he got that, man. But too hot in that cast iron suit, refuses to wear it anymore. Pulls out of movie, because fuck it. Andre from ‘Kast follows suit.

May 22, 2014: A Gossiping Bitch’s birthday spent apologizing to Wale for all the years upon years of mean-spirited dissing. New found humanity truly the greatest gift of all.

May 25, 2014: 5th seeded Washington Wizards complete magical run in NBA playoffs, rallying behind “Nobody Believes in Wale!” theme. They are swept by the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals, but hey.

June 1, 2014: Wale curates Hot 97 Summer Jam to great acclaim. Even Peter Rosenberg approves, a relief to all. Summer Jam screen features adorable Wale childhood family photographs, with many awww’s ensuing.

June 6-11, 2014: Wale triumphs at Paris Fashion Week Haute Couture. Fashion world declares him the “New Axl Rose,” which means they will do whatever he wants from then on. Wale says fuck it, returns to America.

June 21, 2014: Wale Summer officially begins. Farmers anticipate grain to grow tall and true, a bountiful harvest in tribute to His graceful benevolence. Also, Wale’s “RT the Party (Remix)” feat. Miley Cyrus becomes the ubiquitous summer jam, from pop radio to Kia commercial to Transformers 4 soundtrack. Your mom rocks it too.

July 3-8, 2014: Nation bugs out over a missing Wale, with Amber Alerts and state and federal investigations launched. But nah, he was at his peoples’.

July 17, 2014: Wale Unplugged airs on MTV. Wale still uses turntables and shit, only he is completely bald.

August 16, 2014: Wale first rapper in orbit. Details remain confidential due to non-disclosure agreement with Virgin Galactic and pending lawsuit filed by Keith Thornton.

August 24, 2014: Wale dominates MTV Video Music Awards broadcast with a 13 minute career spanning performance, winning all of whatever awards they give out at that thing, and being saluted by a gracious Kanye West who declares him “the toast of hip-hop.” Wale pleased to see many in the media covering the event also compare him to toast.

October 5, 2014: Wale marries Jenner girls. Everybody cool with it, somehow. Supreme Court like, “Aight, cool,” in unanimous decision.

November 4, 2014: Wale elected Mayor of Washington, D.C. without even trying. “Not Even Trying” being his campaign theme and future governing philosophy. Also, President commends Wale for Democratic landslide in midterm elections nationwide, after the much sought after “Wale Endorsement” turns the electoral map blue. “Blue hot, got a lot of blue clothing pieces,” Wale would say in the days running up to the election. Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight fails to calibrate for the Wale effect, standing by his prediction of a “slightly Republican” outcome, leading to subsequent ridicule and nervous breakdown. Wale said that would happen.

December 22, 2014: Spin publishes actual “Year in Wale 2014” which simply copy and pastes this one.

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