columns: According to My Sources

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Music, Watch

By a Gossiping Bitch on October 13th, 2003

MVP feat. Stagga Lee
“Roc Ya Body (Mic Check One, Two)”

In all honesty, I’m still not sure if I watched this video or it was all some sort of opium-induced haze. Well, from what I gathered the Most Valuable Playahs (MVP — get it?) are the dudes producing and chanting the chorus while none other than Stagga “I’m White!” Lee rips the M.I.C. So the song is a lot of “Rock your body” and “Check One Two” yelled throughout while bikini-clad women fake that they’re playing the bongos and guitar – one of them even has a mandolin for some reason. What really took me by surprise, though, is that apparently That Guy from “Bloodsport” – you know, that awesome bad guy – is one of the MVP’s! I swear it’s him! I’m so serious. And the only line he has is when he says “Me so horny”. I am not fucking kidding you. He says it all sultry-like, too. It’s so fantastic I can’t even begin to describe it. Oh my effing God, it’s the best thing ever. I mean it. Really. You have not lived until you’ve seen it.


Ashanti
“Rain On Me”

Praise the Lord, Hype Williams is back! He makes sure everyone knows it too with his signature Audio Two-esque top billing at the beginning of the video – Hype, hate to break it to you but all the slo-mo shots, fuzzy colors, and fish-eye lenses that were your trademark are pretty much par for the course these days. Dude needs to stay where he belongs — on the set of Belly 2. Regardless, I wasn’t sure if I was watching a video or a four minute advertisement — the Maybach, the Nokia, the Aston Martin, the Creed cologne, the Viagra…the list goes on. This is supposed to be one of those really dramatic, grandiose videos that tells a story — it’s almost like “November Rain” with a blacker, hairier Axl Rose. Ashanti plays the role of “star”, making appearances and greeting her adoring fans, while That Guy from “Dead Presidents” and “The Inkwell” plays her jealous thug boyfriend who inexplicably has a cigar in his mouth 24/7. Long story short, he cheats on her, gets caught, and in what is sure to be one of the great performances of the year, gets mad at a a movie theater-style cup with Ashanti’s face on it. Yes, he flips out on the cup. What are you looking at, candy dish! You want some of this?!


TI
“24z”

Man, I have no idea who this dude is but motherfucker looks like Saafir if he didn’t eat for three years (not that I can confirm Saafir has eaten in the past three years, mind you — don’t worry, brah, Golden State Warriors is next on Dre’s list — promise!). Anyways, when I saw the title 24z I was kinda hoping it was in reference to the Hulkster’s Pythons (yes, that’s a capital P) but unfortunately it’s about truck rims. Fair enough, but the chorus says something like “Cars and clothes, that’s how all my ballers roll”. Um, yeah your ballers and most of the non-homeless population of the United States. “Cars and clothes” is seriously the absolute most pitiful attempt at bragging I’ve heard just about ever. Dude also manages to sign an autograph on a paper plate instead of a female’s chest like a proper rapper would. Fucking rookie.


Youngbloodz feat. Lil Jon
“Damn!”

Everything here is pretty typical — a couple of hood shots (with some convenient text at the bottom letting you know each locale), Lil Jon is sporting his pimp cup which looks like a bong of some sort, a cameo by Abdullah the Butcher selling chicken (I know, I didn’t recognize him either without the blood), and the beat sounds like it was made in 7 minutes. But just when you thought you’ve seen this video a hundred times before, there’s a guy drinking out of a plastic gas container. Let me state that again — he is drinking out of a plastic gas container. Yes, one of those red ones you use for your lawnmower. I know, I know, but I’m telling you he is drinking out of a plastic gas container. Now, last I checked they didn’t sell those containers with any liquid in them so he had to go through the trouble of filling it up, so he’s not doing it out of convenience. Is this supposed to be some sort of next level pimp cup? If that’s the case, how’s Lil Jon gonna let dude out pimp cup him in a video like that? Does he just not give a what? I know I’m not the only one interested in the Pimp Cup Arms Race — I’ll be sure to keep you posted.


Mya
“My Love Is Like…Wo”

Glad to see the whole “I had a bit part in Chicago” thing didn’t go to her head — this entire video is Mya dancing around on stages with about four hundred costume changes. Shit, I’m not complaining — there’s plenty to look at — but when your girl busts out the tap shoes and gets her Ben Vareen on, it’s a bit much. And is “like whoa” even still accepted slang? I thought it was like a year-long shelf life on that one but apparently Mya’s not afraid to bring it back. Can a “tender roni” resurrection be far behind? Let’s hope not.


Nick Cannon
“Feelin’ Freeky”

Um, isn’t this that dude from “Drumline”? When did he become a rapper? Regardless, he’s brought B2K with him so you know the results will be teentastic, fa sho. In this clip we find the fellas pulling up to the aptly named “Club Freeky” on their neon motorcycles. My favorite has to be what I’m assuming is the B2K leader, since he’s the only one that has any sort of lead parts. Not only could he pass for a Muppet, but he’s rocking a throwback Tom Brady jersey — I was hoping it was a Tony Eason or Steve Grogan but I’ll take what I can get. Pretty standard fare, with ladies in a club setting but well worth watching for the Muppet’s attempt at a moustache.


Justin Timberlake
“Senorita”

Look out! Pharell let the Asian Neptune out of the basement! Not only is my man making a rare video appearance but he turns in a rather Robert Palmer Girl-esque performance on the keyboard. Not to be outdone, Pharell looks like he’s drumming but I have no idea what song he’s supposed to be drumming along to. All in all, this video is pretty uneventful with JT singing to a room of girls and making the world about 10% gayer by urging everyone into a call and response during the middle of the song. Oh, and he’s rocking a wallet chain. I was totally waiting for him to “thrash”, as the kids say.


David Banner
“Cadillac on 22s”

Children getting run over? Check. Rappers walking down the street in their boxers? Check. Rappers portraying themselves as Christ-like figures? You bet your ass. This video starts off with some children playing in front of a house – one girl sees a Cadillac (presumably the one mentioned in the song title) and, inexplicably, runs into the middle of the road to look at it. Mind you, the Cadillac is in motion at the time. I’m sorry, but any child stupid enough to run in front of a car in this manner deserves whatever they get. So this girl is run over (I’m assuming — it happens off screen) and David comes sprinting, possibly from the “Like A Pimp” shoot, collapses over her and actually lets out the “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!” yell up at the camera. Yes, that “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!” yell. It’s funny until you realize he’s serious – and then it’s freaking comedy of the highest order. I haven’t seen this move so expertly executed since the Irv “Boner” Gotti incident in that Ja Rule video that for some reason had Patrick Swayze in it. It gets a little blurry here, but David then becomes a glowing figure that can resurrect the dead like the member of some sort of Dirty South Dream Team. And I have no idea why, but he also changes clothes while walking towards the camera and seems to forget he’s supposed to be lip-syncing to the song. All in all, a beautiful example of rappers having way too much say on the video set. Kudos to all involved.


Bow Wow
“Let’s Get Down”

Well, once Baby is in a video it’s pretty safe to say it’s gonna be awesome and this one is no exception. The Birdman manages to steal the show right off the bat with the line “Take ’em to the mall, pimp” which would’ve been my high school yearbook quote if I was a little younger or ever graduated. So this video takes place at the DMV, naturally, with Baby as the instructor for Bow Wow’s driving test. (Do you think Bow Wow and Johnathan Lipnicki still keep in touch? How awesome would it be to see him in a cameo shot with video hoes draped over him?) What’s so sweet is when they flash to Baby’s clipboard and it has pictures of hot females on the test – that someone cut from a magazine and pasted on. I don’t know if they spent most of the budget on Bow Wow’s perm or what, but you would think they could do a little better than the sixth grade Trapper Keeper steez. And Baby trying to lip synch his ad libs is priceless.


The Big Tymers
“This Is How We Do”

The Big Tymers are back and this time their videos are attempting to have storylines – watch out now! So it goes like this:
1. Manny & Bird go to the club.
2. Manny & Bird see Delroy Lindo look-a-like.
3. Manny & Bird leave club.
4. Manny & Bird drive home.
5. Manny & Bird see Delroy Lindo look-a-like arresting someone.
6. Manny & Bird go to drug deal in warehouse with Delroy Lindo look-a-like.
7. Bird thinks back to #6 and remembers Delroy Lindo look-a-like is a cop.
8. Manny & Bird run.
9. Manny & Bird are back at the club somehow.
10. Manny emerges from club and is disappointed that the sun has risen “again”.

Granted, there are some holes in this plot, but the guest appearance by Lil’ Weezy, the slang translation during the drug deal, and the shot of Manny & Bird sitting in the back seat of a stationary Maybach for some reason, more than make up for it.

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