In what some are calling a publicity stunt and others are calling a beard, bohemian rapper Common (Sense) today held a press conference to come out as a heterosexual. The announcement comes on the eve of the release of his new album Be, the follow-up to the universally hated and ?uest-loved Electric Circus.
Taking a cue from part-time Pert Plus spokesman and full-time fu manchu sporter Mike Piazza of the New York Mets, Common called the impromptu press conference in response to the recent rumblings by both fellow emcees and former fans concerning the emcee’s questionable sexuality. “It’s just got to the point where enough was enough,” said Sense. “The rampant homophobia in hip-hop is appalling. It’s a sad day when a man can’t rock toe socks or brush Kanye’s hair without his sexuality being called into question.”
When asked about his appearance in an AIDS awareness commercial, which featured the rapper wearing plaid pants while standing in front of another man and discussing protecting yourself and your “partner”, Sense proceeded to read from a prepared list of things that are “way gayer” than anything he has ever done, yet are “accepted by the hip-hop community as perfectly heterosexual”. The list included Eminem hugging Elton John at the Grammy Awards, Cam’ron’s pink wardrobe, everything Pharrell does, Jay-Z referring to himself as “Ho'”, G-Unit’s name and shirtlessness, Raekwon and Ghostface’s man-relationship, and the Black Eyed Peas. When it was pointed out that the Black Eyed Peas were, in fact, all open homosexuals, Sense responded, “Even the two girls?”
All of those in attendance received an advance copy of Be and a promotional DVD featuring a video retrospective, his performance on The Ellen Degeneres Show, and the episode of Queer As Folk which featured the rapper in a walk-on role.
Nigga please