Months of hard work and dedication have finally paid off for Grammy award winning artist Kanye West, as today he announced that he is finally able to fellate himself. “Record sales, awards and all that are fine,” said West, “but this…this really means something to me. I feel great.”
The hip-hop mega producer had been working towards this goal for quite some time. Since the release of his best selling debut album, College Dropout, West has been a media darling and shameless self-promoter, taking any and every opportunity to voice a rather lofty opinion of himself. Following his loss of the Best New Artist award to gaylord rockers Maroon 5 at the Grammys, West went so far as to perform his single “Jesus Walks” with himself standing in for JC, symbolically going through death and resurrection on stage.
“I really started taking this seriously like eight or nine months ago. That’s when I hooked up with Gregory,” said West referring to none other than world renowned yoga instructor, Gregory VonDuseldorf. “We became real close, y’know? Like, he’d come with me everywhere—the Polo outlet, the dentist, Disney movies—everywhere.” As the pair’s relationship blossomed, VonDuseldorf was able to get West to let go of his inhibitions and sense of shame, which led to the rapper finally being able to place his own penis in his mouth. When reached for comment, VonDuseldorf, who does not speak English, had nothing but praise for his former student (translated from German by GB Internationale): “Kanye is class participants joy. Shirts the pink quiz. No homo.”
No word yet on whether Consequence will be seeking new employment.