Thropfordshire, UK — The results of a joint study between prestigious U.S.-based Princeton University and England’s Thropfordshire-upon-Gavenhavensham University were released to the press yesterday, and the findings are quite startling: British people cannot rap.
“I’m afraid to say it’s bleedin’ true,” remarked Thropfordshire-upon-Gavenhavensham University Professor Worthingford, sadly, “in most facets of hip-hop, British people scored the lowest worldwide. In fact, in the areas of ‘Respecting One’s Gangsta’ and ‘Keeping It Real’, the British subjects barely even registered.” It was not surprising that American subjects’ scores were generally “off the meter”. “Well, they started the whole business,” explained Professor Worthingford, “and I had many a row with [Princeton University Professor] Johnson about clearly biased categories like ‘Holding Heat’ and ‘Crip Walking’. However, I thought we Brits would have done a bit better overall.”
There has been some outrage at the findings by subjects of Her Royal Majesty. “Poppycock and rubbish,” exclaimed a handlebar-mustachioed citizen who refused to be named, “it’s a right bloody sham perpetrated by those fat American sows that think blue jeans are the pinnacle of civilisation.” The gentleman then had to hurry off to tea, but demanded that this report “use the proper ‘S’ in ‘civilisation’.”
Professor Johnson of Princeton told the Brits not to be alarmed. “Really, the report is not that groundbreaking,” chuckled Professor Johnson, “it merely supports what most of us have suspected for some time now. It doesn’t mean that the United Kingdom is completely devoid of culture, though. England is still first in crumpets, cute slang terms for feces, and those nifty bowler derbies that I always see on BBC television.” When one reporter mentioned that lyrical wunderkind Slick Rick is from England, Professor Johnson chortled and quipped, “What, are you from the INS?”