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Pimps Lament Commodification; Senior Sweeps Awards

By a Gossiping Bitch on November 4th, 2003

Pimps Lament Commodification; Senior Sweeps AwardsSt. Louis, Missouri — Gerhard Knapp of Pforzheim, Germany has won this year’s annual Pimp Award Tour ceremony, wowing a bedazzled crowd and throwing them into a celebratory frenzy.

Deep in the contest’s 3rd quarter, Knapp appeared on the runway with his back to the crowd. The opening few chords of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” began to pulsate on the PA system, as the darkly lit room danced with the sputter of colorful blasts of light. Knapp’s signature rose-red suit came into view, as he whirled around, taking the crowd and judges by storm with his authentic and over-the-top mustache and beard. It would mark the first time in 10 years a white person has won the Pimp Award Tour, which has been dominated by men half Knapp’s age for the last 5 years.

“With the explosion of [Snoop Doggy Dogg’s] Doggystyle record, the game has seen a whole lotta fresh, new blood coming in,” said Dookie Hoser, 1997’s champion. “It was good to see a [white person] win for once. Homeboy’s grill is crazy [expletive deleted] looking.”

The award ceremony got off to a raucous start, as several pimps expressed outrage over what was deemed “the commodification of pimp culture.”

“We are the ones who are supposed to be earning pounds off geezers getting [sexually gratified],” fumed England’s own Cuntmaster Swift, “but now the whole bloody script has flipped on us. Do you follow?”

Many of the pimps placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of hip-hop. “I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of hip-hop,” remarked Detroit’s Roger Adultery. “Fools on TV calling themselves ‘pimp’? They never turned a 12-year-old runaway out! They never made an unconscionable loan, the interest of which requiring a lifetime of dick sucking to pay off! They don’t know nothin’ about ho’s in the stable!”

Such was the atmosphere at the award ceremony when Knapp made his entrance, unveiling his new “Dyed Beard Tie” (see photograph), where part of his beard was dyed red to match his suit and fashioned into a necktie. It warmed even the chilliest of pimp hearts to see a man who had dedicated his life to peddling pussy, and still staying so true to the game at such a senior age. The pimps all showed their appreciation and solidarity by cutting one ho each in the back of the knee.

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