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Interview from the Afterlife: Lucille Ball

By a Gossiping Bitch on November 6th, 2003

LucyTwo weeks ago, I had the honor of sitting down and talking with one of America’s treasures, Ms. Lucille Ball. I’m sure many of you are wondering how I spoke with Ms. Ball considering that she’s been dead for years. It was all thanks to the fine work of professional taxidermist and medium, James Price Vanderpol. Through his uncanny talent of conversing with the dead we are able to bring you this interview. First, James fell into a deep trance, and then voice began to take on the hoarse, crackly tones of Lucille Ball:

A Gossiping Bitch: Ms. Ball, thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Many of our readers are big fans.

Lucy Ball (via medium James Price Vanderpol): Oh the pleasure is all mine. It’s amazing that people even still remember a dirty tramp like me.

AGB: Your sense of humor is priceless. Even in the afterlife, you know how to slay them.

LB: What do you mean?

AGB: You know, calling yourself a “dirty tramp” like that. Adapting your comedy to this day and age and working “blue” as they say in the industry.

LB: Comedy? I will have you know, sonny, that I have slept with the best of them. Abbott and Costello “Eiffel Towered” me, the Rat Pack ran trains on me, I blew every producer in Hollywood just to get my show on the air. Ricky wasn’t my husband he was my pimp. I would never marry a swarthy Spic. You must be out of your tree, mister.

AGB: Wait, wait…I’m confused. Are you telling me you turned tricks before getting on the air?

LB: Shit, I turned tricks after I was on the air. I was so good that I was draining the TV studios in more ways than one. They had to justify the money they were spending on my “services” so they gave me a show. How else would a whiny Jew, a dirty Cuban communist and two fat Pollacks get their own show in McCarthy’s America?

AGB: I am shocked. I always thought the show was about family virtues. You even had separate beds like the Cleavers.

LB: That’s because I had crabs and Ricky refused to let me in his bed. And here is a little known fact about the Cleavers: Ward bought June off the black market as a white slave. He beat her in the basement for 3 years before she became that docile. Shit, the kids were fucking retards because he beat her when she was pregnant and forced her to smoke crack at gun point.

LucyAGB: Smoke crack? What are you talking about? There was no crack back then.

LB: Did I say crack? I meant opium.

AGB: James, are you making shit up? You aren’t even a real medium, are you?

James Price Vanderpol: Please do not address the medium when he is in mediumitation.

AGB: Fair enough. So Lucy, you mentioned White slavery? What is that all about?

LB: Well, the studios were run by two rich WASP families for years. They would only marry within the two families. These bastards were cheap, made the Jews look like Ed McMahon for crying out loud. They would buy people off the black market, that way they would only have to pay a one-time fee. Eventually the unions got involved and all the inbreeding resulted in halfwit mongoloid retards running the place. It was just a matter of time before the Zionists came in and took over like they did with everything else.

AGB: You don’t really believe that do you?

LB: Not so much any more thanks to that brave Aussie Rupert Murdock. He is bringing quality back with his studios. Have you seen “The OC”? I love that shit.

AGB: Hold on, dude, what the fuck? How does she even know about “The OC,” that shit just came out! Why are you trying to play me?

JPV: Do not speak to the medium when he is getting his medium on.

LB: We can see it in the afterlife just like you can.

LucyAGB: So speaking of the afterlife, what is it like?

LB: You know its both heaven and hell. My daily routine is wake up, eat breakfast, and then a team of Slant businessmen come to my place, keep my nose filled with blow and take turns on me. Sounds like heaven until you take into account how much I hate the way Yellow People smell.

AGB: Ms. Ball you seem to have quite a racist streak, why all the hate?

LB: I call a Spade a Spade. I wasn’t always like this. But one day this colored crooner from St. Louis broke my heart in two. You may know of him: Chingy? “I love da way you work it right heerrrre” That is my shit.

AGB: God damn it James, I can’t believe I fell for that shit. I should have known better than to trust a speed freak taxidermist. You prick.

At this point I left angrily, but I accidentally left the tape recorder behind and this is what it picked up:

LB: What’s up his ass?

JPV: I haven’t the foggiest, you know how journalists can get.

LB: Yeah they are all gay. So what do you want to do? Do you still have that Oxycontin?

JPV: Yup. Want some?

LB: Shit, you know I do! After I take it, I’m going to fuck you silly.

Eerie, huh?

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