AP — In a press conference held earlier today, a group of stately honkies representing an organization called the NAAWP revealed that white people officially find Ice Cube to be “Not Scary.” This announcement coincides with the release of the major motion picture Are We There Yet? which stars Cube as a bumbling suitor who attempts to win the heart of a woman by taking care of her rambunctious children. “From watering down his music to reinforcing negative African-American stereotypes in his movies, Mr. Cube has really made a concerted effort to be accepted by the white populace of this country.” said Cynthia Worth, head of the NAAWP. “They played one of his songs at my work Christmas party and I quickly found out I could do it once I put my ass into it — it was surprisingly satisfying. We’re not just giving him the title of ‘Not Scary,’ I like to think he’s earned it.”
Cube, born O’Shea Jackson, first gained notoriety as a member of the groundbreaking gangsta rap group N.W.A., whose frank language and violent portrayals of urban life in Los Angeles shocked much of suburban America. Cube later went on to a successful solo career featuring more of the unapologetic lyrical content aimed directly at White America that had become his trademark. Cube soon parlayed his solo success into a fledgling acting career where he won rave reviews for his portrayal of Doughboy in 1991’s Boyz N Tha Hood. After a few more grim and gritty pictures, Cube did an about-face and hit paydirt with the ‘hood comedy Friday and his signature scowl has been an ear to ear grin ever since.
“It’s hard to believe that just ten years ago, Cube was threatening ‘Horny Li’l Devils’ like myself for consorting with Black women!” guffawed NAAWP Treasurer Gordon Littlebottom, “Nowadays, I’d invite the so-n-so over for cocktails and let him fool around with my daughter! A real class act, that Cube.” After Cynthia Worth expressed shock that Littlebottom would “whore out his daughter in this fashion,” Littlebottom explained that he didn’t mean to necessarily pair Cube off with his daughter, but “…any old cavebitch. You know what I mean.”
Many of his musical peers have taken Cube to task on his newfound direction. Rapper Common Sense released the scathing dis track “Bitch In Yoo” which called Cube out on a variety of topics and inconsistencies in his career. “He’s always been one of my favorite emcees, but I just felt some of it had to be said,” explained Common, “it’s tough to watch one of your favorite rappers all of a sudden turn softer than my crushed velvet pants.”
Past recipients of the “Not Scary” title include one-time “Cop Killer” and now full-time cop actor Ice-T, and former gangster turned stoner shill Snoop Dogg.