Apple Headquarters, Cupertino, CA — The god Phil Schiller held another weirdly stage-managed Apple event today to announce its partnership with Wu-Tang Clan rapper Raekwon the Chef. After a comedy sketch featuring Siri flirting with HAL 9000, and an acoustic iPad performance of “Royals” by recording artist Lorde, Schiller took the stage to rapturous applause and described the new venture.
“From the time we were children,” said Schiller, “we had to clean our rooms, rake the leaves, do our homework in our notebooks. Well, maybe some of you aren’t familiar with notebooks.”
Loud, knowing laughter filled the hall. A spotlight came on for no reason as Schiller continued.
“At some point, your mother stops being that authority figure telling you to do these things, and you have to be that yourself. But what if we need that voice, the commanding voice that guides, motivates, nags if need be? Apple believes we have discovered such a voice: Raekwon.”
More applause, frantic screen tapping, and guarana fueled woohoos followed, as Schiller demoed the application, named The New Routines, with the assistance of typically busy Apple employees, who had been home testing it for the past month. Features include:
– An alarm of Raekwon’s voice repeating, “Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo…” until the user rises. It can also be used in conjunction with the app’s parenting tools, such as a tracker that monitors baby and toddler feeding patterns, setting Raekwon’s yo’s to sound at statistically optimal times.
“Initially, I thought another Wu-banga was about to start,” said engineer and young mother Anna Carter. “But nah, I just had to bottle up my seed. That’s not a drug reference. I only mean I had to feed my child. Now I trust Rae’s voice more than Davey Jr.’s crying!”
– Chore prompts for every conceivable domestic task:
“Go to the store and get some flour.” – Indeed, Schiller says every possible variation of Raekwon ordering you to “Go to the store…” is included. This writer personally tested his claim by setting a reminder to go to the store and purchase a tube television in 2017. Has Apple thought ahead to future hipster trends like owning old TVs or visiting stores or using four year old apps? Watch this space.
“Skim the fuckin pool.”
“Get the clothes off the sofa.”
“Check the tire pressure, son. A blowout will fuck your day up, as well as safety concerns.”
“Cop the album.” – This one caught users off guard, as no one wanted any such prompt from Raekwon anymore. Glitch? Secret Adware? Apple tester Jake Prince notes that this can be used for any album, as he used it to remind him to get that Childish Gambino, just in case Childish Gambino forgets to tell him.
“Use a coaster.” “Get that shit off the glass.” “What I tell you about the glass?” – The app Raekwon, like the music Raekwon, like the real life Raekwon (probably), is very concerned with the care and maintenance of glass. Be it glassware, windows, furniture, figurines, watch cases, or whatever the fuck, The New Routines is militant and specific in the proper regimented cleaning of glass. If one of your boys puts his feet up on the glass, the app will take care of that, though. Don’t worry about it. It got your back, though.
“Let’s cut the pie five ways.” “Or eight ways makes more sense, depending on how many guests you have.” “On the real, it might be time to talk about two pies.” – Just in time for the holidays, Rae does the knowledge on planning the perfect gathering, covering all the attendant issues of etiquette and family interrelations that can be such a minefield this time of year. Feel less alone during the winter warz of your soul with Shallah Raekwon at your side.
– Motivational life type advice:
“Finish something, god. Anything.”
“Do whatchall want to do.” – This would be a good point to mention the disconcerting number of morally ambiguous reminders the app unpredictably blurts out at times. I asked Schiller and several other Apple employees about this particular piece of questionable advice, and was only met with incredulous looks. At the question, not the advice.
The New Routines app for iPhone and iPad will be released on November 27 at the god hour.