columns: According to My Sources


Trifetime: Television for Thugs – November 2013

By a Gossiping Bitch on November 20th, 2013

Macklemore, M.D.

Daytime Talk Show

The Rapper/Human Being offers advice and guidance to those in society suffering the most: people whose stories have yet to be rapped about by him. This week: “I’m Paki, Okayee?” Dr. Mack tells a brown child she had nothing to do with 9/11.

Producer: Pharrell

Goiter Squad

Sketch Comedy Show

Old ass rappers replicate everything that happens on Adult Swim’s Loiter Squad. Golf Wang, indeed! Watch as Kool Moe Dee pokes fun at racism and Whipper Whip kickflips his dick off.

Producer: Anger Falcon

Lyin’ Ass Bitches

Trifetime Family Original Series

The fourth Trifetime Family drama with the word “Lyin’” in the title focuses on deceitful young men this time. Not just girls lie, y’all! In series premiere “Downvoted Hearts,” Benji uses social media to spread falsehoods, and Vonte promises Jade a rollerdancedate but you know his ass ain’t showed up to that.

Marlon & Shawn Wayansasasas


Paid Programming, Airing 5:30 AM Daily

What’s that shit that they be stridin’? EllipTICAL-TICAL-TICAL! Wu-tang MC turned fitness guru Method Man hustles his new line of elliptical trainers that Trifetime is not responsible for, with all representations being those of Method Man only. But certainly these contraptions will meet the high quality standards of Wu Wear or, say, a Wu-tang Clan concert.

Producer: RZA (but really 4th Disciple)

Think P.E.A.C.E.

News Talk Show

What is the future of campaign finance post-Citizens United? What effect will sequestration have on the midterm elections? What the fuck does cloture mean? Incredibly, legendary Los Angeles rapper P.E.A.C.E. has opinions on all of these things. The show will likely go under-appreciated before flaming out, followed by its tiny yet excitable fanbase accusing any similarly formatted shows of biting.

Producer: A. White


Reality Music Competition Show

The search is on for the next big rap star, best accomplished by a television program. The twist? Actual rapping will not be involved in this competition. Contestants will be judged on more relevant factors than mere rhyming skills. Branding, retweeting, culturefucking, zeitgeisting, fashionblasting, kanyewesting — these are the types of words that will be used a lot on this show.

Producer: Kenny K

Judge Dread

Reality Court Show

Alternative dispute resolution, the Rastafarian way. Filmed live on location at Washington Square Park, New York City, Trifetime’s entry into the fake court TV game features a refreshing lack of poor people shaming and tangential moralizing. Instead, after a 25 minute dub intro theme song, the remaining 5 minutes are spent consuming spliffs and Tings and patties, with 75% of cases resolved by declaring everything irie.

Producer: Snoop Lion

Tru Bloods: Blue Bloods

Far-fetched Reality Show

TrifetimeTV in collaboration with our sister network TruTV chronicles the lives of young Crip gang members born into Blood families. Follow their struggles with identifying as purple in a primary color world. This week: Tre’s father catches him c-walking in the mirror.

Producer: Chroo Lyphe

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