Much like the streets, the GBs is watching. We’ve got informants, spies, assets, moles, operatives, and double agents all over the place — those Backroom Whispers don’t create themselves, after all. So when URB magazine (“Providing the Missing Link Between Trance and Hip-Hop Even Though Nobody Wanted It!”) recently decided it needed to manufacture the next DJ Shadow in order to create a new media darling it could call its own, the GBs were on top of it. As public service to all, we’re heading off URB‘s plans at the pass and shining some light on the inner workings of how a new poster boy is decided upon.
Below you will find the discarded applications of various hip-hop notables, recovered from the recycling bins at URB‘s offices. Click on where it says, “Click here for full internal document,” to see the full internal document.
RJD2 Says:
Well, uh, you know when my first album came out, uh, many critics called me “the next DJ Shadow” and stuff.
URB Says:
RJ is a favorite among tastemakers, but looks a little overly-British.
Diplo Says:
Okay, so I was born in Mississippi, but I live in Philly now!
URB Says:
He’s got the look and decent credentials, but his music is a little too “ethnic.”
Cut Chemist Says:
Josh is like my best bud.
URB Says:
Lacks the meticulous attention to facial hair and perma frown that are essential for the position.
The Twelfth Duke of Shoreditch Says:
It was resolved that towards defending, protecting, and securing the British Hip-Hop Music presence in American colonies and plantations, it may be proper to bestow certain titles in the said colonies and plantations, more specifically the title of “The Next DJ Shadow”, on one or more of British citizenship.
URB Says:
Certainly white enough.
El-P Says:
RJD2’s been called the next Shadow, and he’s on MY label!
URB Says:
He is already an URB darling.
Sharky Says:
I made an album that featured Cannibal Ox, Jean Grae, Grand Puba, and other important Black rap music types.
URB Says:
Seems malleable enough but may be too straight-laced for the Shadow position.
Prefuse 73 Says:
I think hip-hop sucks too!
URB Says:
His rejection of bass is encouraging.
DJ Krush Says:
American so razy.
URB Says:
Not White!
Steinski Says:
I created this wacky turntablist shit!
URB Says:
Has decent credibility but his face looks like a worn-out catcher’s mitt.
Romanowski Says:
I sort of look like an alien, and I sound like one.
URB Says:
Not only is this dude white, he’s Swiss, so he’s gonna be good at being a blindingly white pussy, but who the fuck knows who he is?
This made me laugh and cringe just like when we put it together, I miss you GBs