Music is not worth listening to anymore. Yet, it is still worth hating. The question becomes, how to listen to enough music to hate on with the least amount of effort (yes, even less effort than being an online reviewer). Solution: Amazon.com, which in its futile effort to sell music gives the somewhat motivated Hater everything he or she (probably he) needs to dis away while batting down any inquiries into whether they “actually heard” the hated music in question (as if it can’t already be assumed that all music released today is terrible, sound unheard).
What I Know Going In
Artist Name: Asher Roth.
Status: White.
Hype: Youtube hits, 20 page message board debates, and countless “Have you heard this guy? He’s pretty good…” emails.
Hateworthy?: Default setting is Hate, regardless of who the motherfucker is. This particular motherfucker’s main issues, as understood by someone who does not really care, is that he said “nigga” (ALL White rappers, like all White people, do this regularly); is derivative of Eminem (all rappers are biters, especially White ones post Eminem); and his fanbase consists wholly of White people (…).
Review
The first thing that should be noted here is that Gossiping Bitches would not have fallen off had it been Troy Walsh who blew up and not Asher Roth. While we were early adopters on burb-hop, we bet on the wrong pale horse. Hiphopsite had Eminem (check for their @@@@@@@@ review of Relapse, coming soon), and look what we got. GB is gone now, as is Troy Walsh.
Bitterness aside, a search for Asher Roth on Amazon reveals that his album is titled Asleep In The Bread Aisle, complete with wacky album pic depicting Roth after a night of doing whatever it is that White people did the other night when they were sooo fucked up. The unfortunate artists finding themselves in the “if you like this, you’ll like that” slots below Roth include Eminem (if you like White people, you’ll love White people!), Rick Ross (while you’re buying everything on the Billboard top 10 like an idiot, buy this too!), and the Black Eyed Peas (if you like crap now, you’ll love forthcoming crap!).
As one scrolls down the album page, one flinches reflexively upon seeing the name Motown in the product details section. Hatred already forming in the mind as the song previews are reached.
The first track, “Lark On My Go-Kart,” immediately made me think I clicked on the Em album by accident. But the beat isn’t a dull, sludgy droning sound, so that would just be the ripped-off flow I’m thinking of. “Blunt Cruisin'” actually made me change my mind about the legalization of marijuana, so that as many people who still enjoy weed songs will go to jail as possible. The album’s hit song “I Love College” was cut off 10 seconds into a 30 second clip. In “La Di Da,” Roth lets us know he is “on the grind” and struggling, just in case you got the wrong impression from the previous two tracks, or his whole existence. The next few songs are heard just enough to wonder why Roth thinks that annoying en-un-ciat-ION is anything but annoying. Ah, but I had to get to “As I Em,” the White rapper coming to terms with Eminem song. Look, he’s tired of the comparisons, y’all. He’s his own man. Sure, he respects Em’s contribution, but this is a whole new thing, so stop putting him in this box. Just scroll up to where it says, “Customers buy this album with Relapse,” buy them both for 20.98, and see the difference for yourselves! There’s nowhere to go from there but down, but Roth finds a way to go even lower than that with a southern bounce song, a smoothed out on the r&b tip snoozer, and a song about wanting to be taller. Listen guy, you can have Eminem — that was already predetermined — but I’ll be damned if you take Skee-Lo too!
The product description assures us that Roth has paid his dues. His “intricate cadence” has impressed “rap royalty” such as Akon. He is popular on the internet. He has made the cover of XXL. We are also informed that this White rapper who takes pride in being from the suburbs is an “anomaly.” The reviews vary from 1 Em to 5 Ems, most all of them mentioning Em, whether to compare Ash to Em, or to protest that Ash should not be compared to Em. Shit, didn’t these people hear what Asher said? So unfair.
Verdict
I actually think this is better than the new Eminem songs. But then, I’ve only heard a little of those here and there.