columns: According to My Sources


Backroom Whispers

By a Gossiping Bitch on February 23rd, 2004

When we’re in one of those schadenfreude kinda moods, and we need to get our laugh on, there’s nothing we like more than to hear about some fresh madness from the Kurt & Courtney of the “In Living Color” generation, or Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston as the DEA know them. On Whitney’s last tour, she employed a bodyguard-cum-driver who was licensed to carry a gun. After one particular show, she and Bobby were being driven back to the hotel, when shit started poppin’ off in the back seat, and Bobby busted Whitney in the mouth. The driver hit the brakes, hauled Bobby out the back of the car and held the gun to his head. Bobby started crying and begging forgiveness, and was so scared that he peed his pants. Next day, Whitney fired the driver. Now that’s some thug lovin’ right there.

We keep hearing stories about a Van Halen reunion, and that’s cool. But the big question everyone wants to know the answer to is; Sammy Hagar or Dave Lee Roth (I think we can forget about Gary Cherone)? Sad to say, we don’t think it’ll be Dave. Why? Well, we’re given to understand that Eddie’s never really gotten to grips with Diamond Dave being a closet disco fan. Yes, implausible as it may seem, Dave now spends most of his time bidding for obscure disco 12″s on eBay. We don’t know his ID, so don’t ask, but we do hear that his e-digging has become a serious obsession, and that he’s been making overtures to Fatboy Slim in the hope he’ll perform production duties on the next DLR album. Since we heard that that fool sampled Tesla for one of the jams on his next rekkid, we’re not rulin’ anything out.

Ex-Anti Pop Consortium frontman Beans is touring Europe right now. It can be a lonely life on the road if you’re an alt-rap pioneer, so he decided to place an ad on NYC craigslist, seeking a white woman, clean-shaven (guess he likes a tidy workstation, huh?) to keep him company while he was in London. He specified measurements and e’thing. This is what happens when you’re signed to electronica label Warp (his last album was their worst-selling record ever), your shows are overrun by nerdy white guys, and the only women you’re in regular contact with are your ma dukes and the old Korean lady at the all-night grocery.

Speaking of London, when Christina Aguilera dined at Hush, a swish restaurant in the city’s exclusive Mayfair district, a few months back, we hear she was overwhelmed by the warmth of the reception from the staff, many of whom were fans of hers. None more so than one of the guys in the kitchen, who added his own unique ingredient to the garlic & tarragon sauce that came with Xtina’s chicken dish. Yep, it seems they really do that after all. Sorry. We’ve no idea if she specifically requested it.

After the Calvin Klein show during NY fashion week, Jade Jagger (daughter of Mick — ask gramps) hit the Marc Jacobs store. Attention-whore that she is, she didn’t bother with the changing rooms, and just stripped off in the middle of the store. Our observer tells us that she really ought to wear a bra, and that a little deodorant wouldn’t hurt either. You know how the Brits do, though; they’d rather lie in dirty water for twenty minutes than take a shower. Anyway, Jade bought half the stock in the store, and paid with a black Amex, while shouting to her girlfriend; ‘I’m just texting Kelis…’, whatever the fuck that means. Perhaps it’s trendy Britspeak for; “I just spent the night with Pharrell in his suite at the Four Seasons”. Frontin’? The GB’s? Never that, son.

Meanwhile, down in the dirty-dirty, it seems drama has popped off amidst all the crunkage. Florida’s favorite thug, Trick Daddy, invited fellow suth’ner Lil Flip to the studio to guest on a track on Trick’s upcoming LP. Unfortunately, the big Daddy told Flip to rewrite his verse one too many times, causing Flip to, uh, flip and attack Trick. Poor decision. Not only did Trick handily whip Flip’s ass and literally throw him out of the studio, he kept Flip’s pimp goblet as a trophy. That’s some next-level chain-snatching shit right there, which the GBs definitely appreciate.

Trendy babyface Jack White has made no bones about his distaste for hip-hop. That’s not news. What is news is that socialite hip-hoppers are calling for some good old-fashioned retaliation. Not dissing his music or pointing out the fact that the only person he could get to be in a band with him is his ex-wife. That’s child’s play. Word is the heat is being put to rappers who might be in a position to bump into Jackie-boy at some sort of function—i.e. guys like Jigga, Puff, Snoop, 50, etc.—to stomp his cracker ass out. At least the bloodstains won’t show up on the red carpet.

You heard it here first: Channel Live are about to sue KRS-One’s ass. The lawsuit is, of course, over money owed to the where-are-they-now dreadites. In looking over royalty statements for their solitary hit, “Mad Izm,” the real Live ones noticed a disproportionate amount of dough being sent the Blastmaster’s way. They also claim to have not received proper payment for their appearance on Kris’s “Free Mumia” and that Sir Nose failed to live up to promises of additional production and record releases. No word yet on whether Yoko’s gonna sue Kris for that “Like John Lennon/Yes, I’m I-Z-Min'” lyric.

If you’re waiting for another Divine Styler album, don’t hold your breath. If it’s gonna happen at all, it’s gonna have to be on some X-Raided record-your-raps-via-jail-phone steez. The D-I-V-I got picked up on possession of LSD, which should come as a shock to nobody. Unfortunately, minimum sentencing requirements for acid possession are pretty harsh, plus homie still has priors on his record (do your homework on Divine’s early cases), so don’t expect ya boy to be out and about anytime soon.

On the under, Biz Markie’s considering lipo. Say it ain’t so, Biz!

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