columns: According to My Sources


Backroom Whispers

By a Gossiping Bitch on July 11th, 2003

The Whitney & Bobby saga goes from bad to worse. They were recently holidaying at Turnberry Island, FL, and other guests at the resort were forbidden to go anywhere near them, either on the beach or in their hotel. They were coked out of their domes for pretty much the duration of their stay, and at one point their arguments became so heated that the jakes were called. Perhaps Whitney was beginning to doubt the wisdom of intervening to call off the $500k hit that an un-named member of the Houston family had put out on Bobby.

We all should’ve seen this one coming: in a marriage of low-selling gangstas and high-selling homo-thugs, Murder Inc. and Death Row or Tha Row or whatever it is Suge wants it to be called this week are joining forces to form a superlabel called Murderer’s Row. It looks like mutual hate of Dr. Dre and mutual desire to pump Tupac’s corpse for more cash is enough to land a major distribution deal with Sony. The first single on the new vanity label, “Lead Poisoning” by Ja Rule and Crooked I (with Ashanti and her pitch-shifter singing the hook) is sure to have screaming 12-year-old girls rocking red bandannas in no time.

Hot off the “success” of frat-rock meathead Andrew W.K. and mumbling Brit alcoholic The Streets, Vice Magazine is set to unleash their latest musical calamity: a vampire-freak MC named Dark Matter. DM’s a veteran of the LA goth scene who turned to rapping on the advice of career idol and hip-hop junkie Marilyn Manson. Look for Trent Reznor-meets-Beatminerz-style production and raps worthy of Azrael Abyss. No word yet on whether the obvious collaboration with DJ Spooky is in the works.

According to insider reports, this year’s Scribble Jam will feature black performers. But don’t worry&they’re all produced and marketed by white folks, so Scribble’s legacy will remain intact.

In her neverending quest to become the world’s first rappin’ pair of tits, Li’l Kim is back on the plastic surgery hunt. After already getting her sweater meat upgraded, she’s decided too much is not enough and is looking into a new two-for-one procedure: a liposuction, followed by the reinstertion of the suctioned-out fat into her tits. This supposedly makes for a more “natural” look and feel to fake tits. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make for better lyrics.

Word around the stupider parts of the internet is that Proof and Royce the 5′ 9″ got into some fisticuffs, then were thrown in the same jail cell, where they squashed their beef. What is this, The Usual Suspects? Leave the gossiping to me, you hacks. The real story is that Royce rolled up on Proof at a club and gave him a magnificent Special Ed-caliber eye jammie. From there, the brawl was on, sucking in a couple bouncers and various hangers-on from both sides before finally fizzling out. Heated words were exchanged, but it looks like the fisticuffs helped the beef toward a reasonable ending. Motherfuckers were just blowing off steam like Nikki D.

In other beefy news, it’s about to be on between Cam’Ron and Jay-Z. Jay is understandably embarassed at having Cam and his posse on his record label; Cam feels that Jay is fakin’ the funk when it comes to real street shit. The disses won’t stay subliminal for much longer, and don’t be surprised if the Diplomats try to throw their two cents in, humiliating themselves, Cam’Ron, and hip-hop in general in the process. Word is that Cam is gunning for a hostile takeover of Roc-A-Fella’s direction. Jay is willing to oblige, as he’s anxious to sever ties with the Roc’s out-of-control freight train, dump Dame Dash, and get on with the business of being an MC. As soon as he drops the Black Album, Jay is set to bounce, and he’s supposed to link up with Clive Davis and J Records. Which probably means Busta Rhymes will guest on every single Jay-Z remix from that point on.

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