columns: According to My Sources

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Music, Watch – Volume 3

By a Gossiping Bitch on February 24th, 2004

After being inundated with phone calls from all of our illiterate Gossiping Bitches fans, we here at Music, Watch proudly present the Anger Falcon Rating System for videos. The more Anger Falcons, the hotter the video – now you don’t have to waste your time reading this column. Get your scroll on.

falcon5 – Street Banger
falcon4 – Avenue Knocker
falcon3 – Road Shover
falcon2 – Way Nudger
falcon1 – Cul De Sac Love Tap

Jin
“Learn Chinese”

Jin - Learn Chinese

Jin is the dude that won a recording contract with the Ruff Ryderz on BET which, at the time, was something of value. That was then, this is now. If this video is any indication, Ruff Ryderz now consists of Jin and Drag-On which isn’t quite the formidable line up they used to be but hey, they’re still putting out records so all the more power to ’em. For his debut, Jin looks to none other than Wyclef, who got his fingers dusty looking for a Das Efx cd as “They Want Efx” ends up getting the treatment here. With people making a big deal about Jin being the “first Asian rapper” the label decides to push the issue (I can just imagine the meeting when somebody stood up and said “Think early House of Pain — except Chinese!!!”) and thus a single/video concept is born. The video starts with Jin delivering Chinese food like all Chinese people do at one point or another in their life, and on the way back to his ride he gets hit by a car. While knocked out he’s launched into a dreamworld where he’s some sort of Asian mob boss and wears an eye patch that covers 60% of his face. Jin shows off his acting chops as he has a dual role, as the the hero and the villain. Evil Jin kidnaps Good Jin and they go into a Chinese restaurant where the chefs are kung-fu fighting in the kitchen which all but confirms my lifelong suspicion of what goes on back there. So Good Jin rescues the girl (after running through a dojo no less — apparently fear does exist in some dojos) but is confronted by Bad Jin while they face off and “To be continued” is shown on the screen. I’m guessing they couldn’t afford a special effects-heavy fight scene of Jin vs. Jin, so they decided to just cut shit there. Wyclef steals the show however as he karate kicks and bows his way through an illmatic racial-stereotyping of a performance — I was just waiting for him to start playing air guitar with a wok. Clef also drops “The game will never be the same…” and he’s right because the odds of any other Asian emcee getting signed to a major label after this are slim to none. So in closing, I didn’t actually “Learn Chinese” but boy am I hungry.

falcon2


G-Unit
“Poppin Them Thangs”

G-Unit - Poppin Them Thangs

G-Unit is back and recognizing nothing could top the balls-to-the-wall spectacular that was the “Stunt 101” video, they decide to keep it low key this time out. And by “low-key” I mean “low-budget”. And by “low-budget” I mean “the entire thing is shot in a warehouse”. Apparently the heads of crime families across the globe are a tad miffed at the G-Unit for bringing their illegal dealings too much attention with their high profile – in order to work things out, a meeting is called in the aforementioned warehouse. They all take turns going around the room stating their name and location on some first day of Spanish class “Me llamo…Soy de…” type shit. Every bad guy from 80’s movies is represented, such as the Italian boss from NY, the Japanese Yakuza head, the Chinese dude, the West Coast biker(?), the Colombian, and my favorite, the flamboyantly turtlenecked Russian, who bears a striking resemblance to the fighter from “Bloodsport” who kept his arms up in front of him the whole time — you know which one I’m talking about. 50 then says, “50 Cent, G-Unit” – last time I checked G-Unit wasn’t a location(and don’t give me that “it’s a state of mind” crap, either). So after the awkward introductions, the crowd launches into why they hate G-Unit with some marvelous overacting on the part of the Chinese guy. 50 responds with a really, really bad attempt at the Walken speech from King of New York — the “You guys got faaaaayeeeat while everybody starved on the streets” one — which further agitates those gathered. So much so, that they all stand up to rush our rap heroes, but luckily the lights go off and and the rest of the Unit rolls up on everybody in the warehouse, because apparently none of the world’s major crime bosses thought to bring back up. Flash to a shot of “Yayo’s Trucking Company” where we find all three members of G-Unit cramped inside a tiny office for some reason. Then a guy walks in to hand 50 what I believe must be Monopoly money due to the white color of it, and 50 thanks him by flirting with the line “You should come work for me some time”. This makes both the man and the viewer uncomfortable and is a fitting end to the clip.

falcon3


Eamon
“I Don’t Want You Back”

Eamon - I Don't Want You Back

I actually saw this video about two months ago on one of the forty-five MTV channels I get and thought to myself “This is gonna be huge with the teens”. Then I never heard it again. But apparently it’s been gaining buzz all this time and is now a certified hit, once again proving that you should never doubt my judgment of what appeals to teenagers — it’s like a sixth sense. For those of you wondering, this is the R&B song with the word “fuck” (I’m assuming it’s the word “fuck” — it’s censored) like eight times in the chorus. First off, I’m not even sure how to pronounce dude’s name — is it like He-Man with a silent “h”? or more like “ay-mon” in the “‘ay mon, Jamaican me crazy!” vein? Regardless, your boy is pretty much rocking the NJ frat boy steez to the fullest and is upset with his girl for cheating on him, hence the title of the song. Singing a song about how you don’t want somebody seems a tad retarded to me, though, considering if you really didn’t want someone you’d just ignore them — well, at least the way it usually happens to me. On to the video — Eamon has this really cro-magnon shaped head which is pretty distracting to be honest, so I didn’t get much. From what I saw there were a few shots of him with The Girl He Doesn’t Want Back(TGHDWB) in happier times but naturally this doesn’t last long. Apparently TGHDWB isn’t the swiftest as she’s caught making out on a park bench in the middle of the day with another dude — some cat places the call into the studio where Cro-Mag is recording and we get some shots of him alone being stressed out about the whole thing. The video then peaks with Eamon throwing a bottle of Yoohoo or something at the camera in what is one of the most unnecessary special effects shots I’ve seen in my life. Finally, the inevitable — the break-up scene at the pizza parlor. Your man E wigs on TGHDWB and then proceeds to go buckwild on a large pepperoni which kinda pissed me off seeing as how I’m still hungry from watching the Jin video.

falcon1


Chingy
“One Call Away”

Chingy - One Call Away

Chingy is the new Fabolous. Like Fabo, I can’t find anyone that admits to liking him — not even slightly — yet he continues to sell a ridiculous amount of records. Also like Fabo, Chingy knows that catering to the females is a smart move and that’s where we find ourselves with his new video “One Call Away”. Now let me just get this out of the way — Rudy Huxtable is in this video. Word up, I don’t even know/care about what your girl’s real name is because as far as I’m concerned she is Rudy Huxtable. Apparently that “Surreal Life” gig isn’t quite working out the way she planned and she has now decided to pursue a career as a video ho, which is good news for everybody involved. So this video is pretty much Chingy courting Rudy in a variety of locations. Shit starts off with him and his boys pulling up to the drive-thru at a bank where Rudy is a teller, where he macks her using that Jetson air tube thing – along with his deposit slip he includes what looks to be a professionally manufactured card with his logo on it that says “I’m only one call away”. Rudy seems charmed by the gesture even though he probably had to get like 250 or 500 of these cards printed up at a time, so I’m guessing she’s just choosing not to think about where the other 499 cards were handed out. Well the card worked, because we’re now shown the two sitting on the floor together playing video games — nothing special, except for the fantastic shot of Chingy staring at Rudy’s tits and her reaction like she’s flattered. After playing some basketball with the fellas while Rudy watches, they walk home together and end up in, where else, but the bedroom. I guess Chingy showered or something because all of a sudden he’s a bathrobe wiping mist off a mirror. But much to his surprise, in that reflection is a perfectly postioned Rudy who has now taken her shirt off and looks incredibly uncomfortable throughout the entire shot. If Cliff could see you now! Then the video ends but I’m assuming they had sex.

falcon2


Giant Furry Hat feat. Ghostface, Jadakiss and Comp
“Run”

Ghostface - Run

I think everyone is a little bit in awe that DefJam actually released this — between the sample clearance issues that seem to constantly surround GFK’s albums and the fact that this beat is grimy in an early 90’s East Coast way, I know I expected it to find a home on white label somewhere along with all these other leaked tracks that have surfaced over the past year or so. Well, color me badd judge of the industry because it’s here and the video is almost as hot as the track. This being the “Nas Is Like” of the album as opposed to the sure to follow “Hate Me Now”-esque track, the budget for this clip was I’m guessing somewhere between $200 and $300. And let’s not beat around the bush — the Giant Furry Hat on top of Ghost’s head is the real star of the show here. It seriously looks like an animal straight up attacked him and just never let go. The video cuts back and forth between shots of Ghost, Jada (still in the running for “Most Likely to Appear On Anybody’s Track But Their Own” award ahead of Fabolous, but trailing Busta) and Comp (who I think used to call himself Computa which ranks up there with one of the worst emcee names ever) all sitting in jail playing cards and some fantastic blue screen footage of Ghost whylin’ out over some news footage of riots and police chases — think Red Hot Chili Pepper’s “Higher Ground” except less psychedelic and with 70% more Giant Furry Hat. There’s also some cut-away shots of Kay Slay and the Lox trying to lip-synch the word “Run!” but having an incredibly hard time making it happen on-beat. And that’s really about it until the end where the white prison guards roll up on Ghost and Co. and an ice-grilling contest pops off as the video fades. No word yet on The Giant Furry Hat’s plans for the rest of 2004 – I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

falcon5

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