columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on July 3rd, 2003

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
I love your site! It’s so edgy and controversial, not like those other sites about fly-fishing and fire safety precautions. I was crackhead-watching on Hollywood Blvd. the other day, and I overhead some guy in a convertible Chrysler LeBaron talking on his cell phone about a new film based on the life of Buddy Hackett (RIP). Do you know anything about this? Thanks!

Hackett fan in Hollywood

Dear Hackett fan,
I’m glad you like my site, I put a lot of work into it. For example, I single-handedly went into the code for the site whose design I stole from and changed all instances of “alot” to “a lot.” Also, I submitted everything on the site for Al Gore’s approval, still pending.

I know of two Buddy Hackett projects in the works: one is a made-for-TV movie called He Couldn’t Hackett, which stars Gary Busey as Buddy Hackett and revolves around Buddy’s little-known but pervasive addiction to distilled water. The other is a major motion picture to come out by Summer 2004, tentatively titled Me So Solly. The lead role has not been cast as of yet, but word has it that Jim Carrey and Leonardo DiCaprio have both expressed an interest in it. It is this bitch’s opinion that either one of them will have to lose substantial weight to fit into Buddy Hackett’s (size 4!) shoes.

Of related interest is a major motion picture sequel to the Jonathan Winters/ Buddy Hackett 1960’s vehicle It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, titled It’s A Fu*king G*ddamned Sh*tty World and starring Carrot Top, Paul Resier, the Amazing Jonathan, and Gallagher. Director Saul Goodman said, “The script has not been finished yet, but we know that this movie will feature explosions. Lots and lots of dangerous explosions. And no stunt men.”

– GB

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Whatever happened to the rap group “SNAP!”? I thought “The Power” was awesome, are they still making music?

SNAP!-lover in Saskatchewan

Dear SNAP!-lover,
Oh, snap! All I know is that the Gumby ‘do is dead, man. If you like the music stylings of SNAP!, you might also like the rap stylings of Ugly Duckling, a West coast-based rap trio, they sound nothing like SNAP! but they’re really funny. They recently released an lp called Taste the Secret, which is very well-produced and funny where it is meant to be. I endorse it!


Dear Bitch,
What the fuck is this shit all about? Get a life, loser.

Name withheld

Dear Name withheld,
Thanks for reading!


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