columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on August 28th, 2003

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
50 Cent is soo hot! I shot my boyfriend in the face nine times so that he could get cute like Fifty. I heard that there’s a Canadian rapper named Buc Fifty, do he and 50 Cent have beef! lol “He don’t want it with Fifty!” lmfao. Aight, laterz!

– Brianna from Michigan

Dear Brianna,
There is no rapper from Canada named Buc Fifty. However, that doesn’t mean that 50 Cent doesn’t have his share of “beefs”! Most recently, 50 Cent caught beef at the McDonalds in the Vince Lombardi Rest Area in New Jersey when he ordered a McRib sandwich and was told by the person taking his order that it wasn’t being offered anymore. Fifty then threw a tremendous temper tantrum, hollering and carrying on until the manager came out to attend to the ruckus. The manager, a 6’8″ retired boxer named Gus Johnson, calmly told Fifty that they weren’t serving the McRib, and that a Black man shouldn’t be eating swine anyway. Fifty promptly urinated himself and existed the store in haste! I guess there’s a cleaning bill for “one Escalade passenger seat” in 50 Cent’s future!


Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Repent! The hour of atonement is at hand! Jesus saves! Repent!

– Name withheld

Dear Name withheld,
Certainly one of the most slept-on movies based on a Broadway musical is Jesus Christ, Superstar (take that, Bye, Bye Birdie starring the irascible Dick Van Dyke!). However, one must wonder how true the movie adaptation of the musical adaptation of the biblical adaptation of the event is true to the facts? It’s been known in Hollywood that Yvonne Elliman, who played Mary Magdalene, is not a whore, but a mediocre songstress that gave up her music “career” for motherhood. Ted Neely, who played the part of Jesus Christ, is not a Savior but instead one of the officers on the 1970’s cop drama TV series, “Starsky and Hutch”. And Carl Anderson, who played Judas Iscariot, is Black in the film, while the real Judas was actually White, and looked a lot like Basil Rathbone:


So really, the move should be called Jesus Christ, Blasphemy Star! Am I right?


Dear Gossiping Bitch,
Do you have any information about what John Stamos has been up to lately? I used to think he was so hot on that “Full House” TV program.

– StamosLuvr in Starkenburg

Dear StamosLuvr,
Well, he’s been doing those “10-10-321” or “1-800-CALL-ATT” or whatever-it-is commercials lately, haven’t you seen them? Incidentally, do these companies have an unlimited budget or what? Alyssa Milano, Carrot Top, Mr. T…even ALF has been tapped for these funny and informative television advertisements! I suppose that when you weigh the cost of hiring Hulk Hogan to do a commercial against the earned revenue of collect calls, it makes sense. I mean, I have made at least ten collect calls in my lifetime, and that was without a suggestion from Craig T. Nelson!


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