Rap blogging is generally thought to have launched in the early 2000s, reaching its apex of influence in the mid to late part of the decade, earning the eternal gratitude of the talentless everywhere (mostly southern rappers). Gossiping Bitches has uncovered a previously unrecognized piece of internet hip-hop history: the first rap blog. The Feather Leather Weather predates all rap blogs, and even the notion of expressing inconsequential opinions on the internet itself. Yes, that far back!
In this edition of the FLW archives, early 90s blogger Infinitezimal (he thought it sounded deep) foresees the resurgence of jazz music via hip-hop. He was totally wrong, but Ken Burns did make that multi-part documentary about Wynton Marsalis, so there’s that at least.
July 23, 1994
Posted by Infinitezimal
Yo, I have peeped the future, y’all. Bust this, expand your mentals and flow with me into a new age in music. But this age will look a lot like a past age. A jazz age. US3 has hinted at it. Tribe and Gangstarr have got at it a little. Gimmick acts like Digables have sort of gotten it. But this movement needs a leader, someone who will be the bridge from the hip-hop, on its way out, to the new jazz era of dominance in America, which is forthcoming.
We have found this bridge in human form, and he is Lucas With The Lid Off. Now, you know Lucas With The Lid Off from his blowing up hot shit single dominating the planet right now. Video is kind of wack. I wish there was some kind of way to show it to you here, but check for it on MTV every couple hours. [Gossiping Bitches: There is a way, Infinitezimal, there is!]
Never mind all the camera tricks and fanciful posing. Focus on the message. Rap is played out and Lucas With The Lid Off realizes this:
Lucas With The Lid Off: Whatever bubbles bubbles up
Jamaican: Himfollowfollowfollowmedownseenbumbleclotrastamanganjamarley
Lucas With The Lid Off and Jamaican Guy I Don’t Understand are right. Jazz is coming back. You want skillz? Listen to Eric Dolphy. You want some gangster shit? Miles Davis was gangster as fuck! And for all the players out there, Charles Mingus is the man. Fool was X-rated off the hook! Jeep beats your thang? Art Blakey bumps that kick and snare like no other. Up in the club? Swing is already coming back. Grab a gal and learn some steps!
Yes, all these people are dead. That could be an issue. But once Lucas With The Lid Off takes us into the future of music culture, a whole crew of jazz headz will spring up. His music will do two things: 1. Destroy rap as we know it. 2. Bring back a jazz renaissance. We all agree that the high point of rap is just about over. I mean, unless you have your hopes set on the G-funk Era. Secondly, all the sampling of jazz records in hip-hop is telling us something. It is a cry for help. Rap producers are telling us that they can’t cut it in the legitimate music world. We should look to the past, when music was real, and hep cats were boppin and crookin, slidin and tippin, moopin and jukin… christ, even their slang was a lot better.
Okay, full disclosure time. I got into rap because of “Cool Like That.” I play trumpet in a jazz trio, and hated rap for the longest time. Like, it’s not even real music!!! But those guys (and the fine girl! Haha! Chuckle To Myself Audibly! CTMA, for short) showed me that rap can at least pay tribute to the greatest music ever invented by man, and for that it’s worthwhile. But it’s enough already. I can’t take it anymore. Here is a secret about rap bloggers in the 9-cuatro: most of us hate rap and resent its “artists.”
So, please, Lucas With The Lid Off, save us. Take us from a music without a future to a music from the past that deserves a future where people look at it as not some thing from the past.
PEACE!