columns: According to My Sources


Music, Watch – Volume 4

By a Gossiping Bitch on January 27th, 2004

“Stunt 101”

If you’re like me, you heard this chorus on the radio (“I’ll teach you how to stunt”) and envisioned an awesome “Fall Guy” tribute of a video, complete with 50 jumping off Jeeps about to careen off cliffs and the like. If you’re not like me, you’ll probably be a little less disappointed with this video than I was. Before we get started, remember that MTV reality show that was supposed to chronicle Brandy’s pregnancy? I don’t either. I’m guessing this is why she is now “starring” in G-Unit videos. So 50 rolls up to purchase a luxury automobile and Brandy happens to be the salesperson — she shows him the car, they sit in it, and she delivers some painful dialogue that I think is supposed to be sexual somehow, but I really couldn’t figure it out. 50’s mushmouthing responses didn’t help matters either. So, as you can guess, 50 drives the car out of the showroom window and takes off down the street with Brandy riding shotgun — and this is just the intro! The rest of the video we are shown that the G-Unit is actually running a chop shop of sorts, hence the stealing of the car — it’s all coming together, now. What’s totally awesome is that in their hideout they write on the walls with crazy invisible ink that can only be seen when you turn on a blacklight — I’m assuming one of the Unit had an older brother that was pretty heavy into Pink Floyd. It’s right about this point that I realized Lloyd Banks looks just like D-dot if he was constantly on the verge of falling asleep. So now we get a few gratuitous G-Unit sneaker shots, some girls dancing next to a dryer where they are literally laundering money (I didn’t know how to react!), a spinning G-Unit pendant (which is great because you know somebody had the job of spinning the pendant and then running out of the shot as quickly as possible) and — wait, I know what you’re thinking — “But, A Gossiping Bitch, what about 50 and his stolen ride?” Well, he’s on the wildest 20mph chase throughout the city I’ve ever seen. They keep cutting to this shot of Brandy looking at him with this vapid look on her face and I swear it’s the exact same two seconds of footage each time. Be on the lookout for it. This video wraps up with the cops busting into the hideout but they’re too late — they see the invisible ink on the wall and it reads “FREE YAYO”. I’m not sure running an illegal operation and running from the cops is the best way to get someone out of jail, but it sure is entertaining.

Rah Digga
“Party & Bullshit”

Rah Digga is back, and this time Flipmode Squad is about to blow up! No really, I mean it this time! C’mon people work with me…So Rah Digga is now taking the “sexy” approach to try and move some units. Nothing wrong with that…except when you have the hairline of an 80-year old man and/or look like horse. Let me get this out of the way up front — this song is terrible. Remember when you thought Just Blaze might be a real dope mainstream producer? Well now he’s making Rockwilder imitation beats and he has now deemed himself big enough to be appearing in videos and shouting himself out on the track. It’s a damn shame. Well, back to the video — it’s terrible, too. It’s another “in the club” shoot with Rah wearing what looks to be a chopped up trashbag, rocking 80s new-wave hairdos, and banging out choreographed dance steps with her lady friends. Then she’s wearing a done up Yankees uniform and is swinging a bat. Then there’s a lesbian kiss? “I’ll beat the butch with bat” is more like it, Rah. And if you didn’t guess from the title, she akwardly tries to steal some B.I.G shine with a chorus jack. Just a really bad moment in hip-hop history all around.

“Dont Call Me”

Man, I have no idea who these people are but it’s always refreshing to see a nice low budget video in the mix. From what I gathered Drift is composed of a guy and a girl – dude is rocking a Satanic goatee and homegirl looks like Nelly if he was 50 pounds heavier and took off the band-aid. So the song is about talking shit under your breath about someone hence the “What you say?” response throughout — welcome to the next level. Anywho, dude rhymes first — he’s chillin in the barbershop cutting hair when some video hos — scratch that, real hos — come through. He banters back and forth with one. Then the “girl” rhymes — she’s at a basketball court and goes back and forth with some dude, though to be honest, this could just have easily been two dudes going back and forth. Yikes. Last shot is MC Lucifer sitting in a loaned BMW kicking it to some girl — it’s hot because I don’t even think they let him have the keys to the car. He never drives it, we just get some shots of him sitting in it and then close-ups of the tires. He also has the skinniest chain I’ve ever seen in my life. Play on, playa.

Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon is back and now he’s got R. Kelly behind him…by which I mean, of course, that R. Kelly is on board for his follow-up video, “Gigolo”. And not only is Robert singing the hook and waving around a pimp cup like he invented it, but your man is sporting a terrycloth zip-up Knicks jersey on some next level loungewear steez. Don’t hate — congratulate. But Nick is the star of the video here, as we are lead to believe that a typical night in his life has him hopping fresh out the shower, laying out his collection of pimp suits on the bed, throwing some cash around the hotel room, heading out to the club, macking some ladies, and doing some synchronized dance moves with the fellas. Shit, I just did that last Tuesday. And, oh to the snap, R&Beef alert!!! Nick silences all you naysayers questioning his skillz when he drops the “I’m a grown man, not B2K” blast midway through this joint — shit ain’t sweet! Weren’t you guys just at Club Freeky together? I haven’t been this distraught since I learned that chick from C&C Music Factory was lip-synching the whole time.

Ja Rule
“Crown/Clap Back”

Ja Rule used to sell records, then he decided taking on The Em & 50 Show would be a good move (you’re no Benzino, Ja), and now he doesn’t sell records. So Ja is coming back for the streetz and what the streetz are getting is “Clap Back” — not a bad beat by any stretch, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this won’t sell more than “Always On Time”. The video is kinda money, though. Shit kicks off with Ja & Company looking all tough and angry walking down a hall as he raps — remember that video he had way back where he walked down the hall with Russell and the shot was in all Red? I’m assuming he’s hoping to start his career over again and this is some sort of symbolic move on his part. Except now, he’s got no Russell. But he does have baseball bats. Lots of ’em. So this first part is actually “Crown” but switches over into “Clap Back” in the classic double video move — all I know is that Ashanti “Rain” video must’ve cost mad loot, because there’s no fancy transition here — Ja jumps like two feet in the air and then the beat switches and that’s it. So now we’re into “Clap Back”, or as it is here, “**** Back”. Apparently you can’t say “clap” these days on MTV. I dunno who’s in charge over there but seeing 23 hours of Real World/Road Rules We Can’t Hold Down Day Jobs Challenge material is much more offensive than the word “clap”. But I digress. So Ja is shown working out with a bottle of malt liquor in what, judging from the tools on the wall behind him, appears to be his mom’s garage. Then the scene cuts to a party, except this one is a bit more “grimy”. And by “grimy” I mean it looks like some sort of blurry neo-industrial orgy with Ja holding up what I think is a bottle of white zinfandel. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more bizarre, Benzino pops up — they were in cahoots all along! Ja then proceeds to finish out the song rhyming atop a burned out Chevy Blazer which provoked unpleasant memories of the first time I saw the extended version of MJ’s “Black and White” — the only difference is that Jacko came off tougher. And if anyone wants to take a shot at explaining the one second clip of Ja levitating Matrix-style at the end of the video, now would be the time.

“Dear Slim”

Praise the Lord! Trinity Broadcasting Network is the hottest shit on television. You got purple hair lady, crazy haircut singing dude, people lining up to get slapped upside the head, celebrity has-beens such as Kirk Cameron, Mr. T, and M.C. Hammer praising His name. Never has God-bothering been this entertaining. And the set design? I defy any of these blingin rappers to top it. In fact, I demand that Baby shoot a video on the TBN set; it’ll be like having a sun in your living room all to yourself.

Hallelujah! It was on TBN that I caught this video by JC’s boy, KJ-52. As you might have guessed from the title, it is a response to Eminem’s “Stan”. Gee, I haven’t heard that 200 times before or anything. White rappers these days! Can’t find an identity of their own, so they’re reduced to pondering their place in hip-hop in relation to other white rappers. News flash: you have no place in hip-hop.

Amen! The video is pretty uneventful: KJ writing a series of letters (you know, like in the “Stan” video); KJ mailing said letters; KJ rapping in between rows of mail trucks; KJ obsessively writing “To Whom it May Concern” over and over again on a glass. Wait, what was that last thing again? KJ “I’m not nuts or anything” 52 looks like Jack in The Shining doing this shit. And why put TWIMC when he knows who he’s writing to?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Someone email, because we have another Em biter on our hands. Oh, but KJ says he’s not. What better way to rebuke these allegations than make a video to a song about an Em song; accuse Em of selling his soul for millions; claim to be a positive alternative to Em; compare himself in every way to Em; and inform Em that “God’s got mad love” for him. Oh, by the way, KJus Christ has just dropped “Dear Slim 2”, where he whines about not getting a response from Em.

Dear Slim,

This is the motherfucker you’ve had nightmares about. Make sure your security has the gate closed tight, because KJ will come to your home and firebomb that shit like it was the last abortion clinic in America.

Your greatest snitch,

This is Gossiping Bitch

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