columns: According to My Sources


Trifetime: Television for Thugs – August 2010

By a Gossiping Bitch on August 23rd, 2010

Wale Wars

Reality Show

Young up-and-coming rapper Wale embarks on a national awareness campaign to promote how to properly pronounce his name. Formerly named Wale World, formerly named Wal-E, formerly named Sound It Out: Wah-Lay. Look, we’re gonna keep renaming this thing until you bastards get it right.

Producer: Sade (pronounced Sadie)

Real Jumpoffs of Decatur

Reality Show

While the Real Housewives are out being sassy and feisty, meet the younger, more attractive women their husbands are bumping with on the low. Cover a rent check, knock out a car payment, take that bitch to an out of town Shoney’s for buffet — that’s all the maintenance required to hold these ambitious young women. (This series is now gun free, after last season’s unpleasantness.)

Producer: Anger Falcon

True Life: Tru Life

Reality Show

MTV’s groundbreaking documentary series comes to Trifetime, chronicling the wacky misadventures of the frustrated NYC rapper. This week, Tru ponders whether being signed to Dreamworks, brought into Jay-Z’s camp, or charged with murder was more detrimental to his career.

Producer: Chroo Lyphe (No relation)

Flippin’ Out…With Kanye West

Reality Show (Tenuous Connection To Actual Reality)

Trifetime unoriginal series following Kanye as he purchases homes and sells them at will. Hijinks and shenanigans ensue as Kanye interacts with people. This week’s episode finds Kanye frustrated by his unsold Miami Beach condos, attempting at one point to hijack a crane while crying, “I paid for all this sh*t!” Special appearance by Betty White for some fucking reason.

Producer: Kenny K

Drake’s Cakes By The Great Lakes

Reality Cooking Show

Trifetime slices into the cake baking show game as former Degrassi High television star, and newly-appointed hiphop sensation Drake opens a cake shop in his native Ontario, Canada. Wholesomeness ensues. This week, the rap singer frets as his staff is simultaneously commissioned to bake a 5 tier red velvet wedding cake for a Tennessee couple, and a giant half chocolate, half white cock cake for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Producer: Kanye West


Reality Cooking Show

Don’t look at us sideways, playa. Yeah, we have two cake baking shows. And what! Rick Ross also premieres his Trifetime show, filmed live in front of an incarcerated studio audience. Not much actual baking is accomplished this week as Rick spends much of the episode replying to the many rappers he has beef with and wallowing in self-pity. The episode ends in a disgusting fit of batter licking, frosting fingering, and sprinkle snorting.

Producer: A. White

Dancing with the Muthafu&@*n’ Hood Stars

Dance Competition Show/Gang Recruitment Platform

Celebrities learn and perform the Crip Walk and all its ridiculous variations, judged by a panel of people who would think nothing of murdering them. Watch the excitement build and signs flash as DJ Aladdin drops the beats! This week, fan favorite C-Rayz Walz gets “eliminated” when it is discovered that his name’s likeness to c-walk is not a predictor of his ability to do it.

Producer: WC (Maad Circle declined participation)

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