news: Guess What I Just Heard


Da (Broken Up) Band’s Babs Babbling

By a Gossiping Bitch on December 30th, 2004

Irrelevancy, NY — Babs Bunny of defunct MTV Monkees-style experiment with Puffy Combs gone laughingly wrong, Making the Band 1 and 2, is showing signs of mental illness. Well, further signs. Apparently still shocked over the breakup of Da Band and subsequent falling off the face of the Earth, Babs is reportedly under the delusion that she is still on television and in the rap group.

“Dylan is never around, I’m saying,” Babs was quoted as saying at a neighborhood grocery store last week. “Why it gotta always be Babs who gets everybody in the gwoop together to work? I can’t take it no more, I’m telling you, shit is ill, yo.”

Viewers of the television show will recall that, while the band was dissolved by Puffy and most of its members were sent back to whatever their wretched origins, two were allowed to stay on Bad Boy: Babs and Ness. The pair were proclaimed “Hip-Hop’s Bonnie and Clyde,” yet could not even stick around long enough to get riddled with bullets. Ness, now out of the rap game altogether, witnessed Babs’ mental decline.

“That bitch crazy,” he told GB, in an interview. “I can’t call it. I was trying to keep it together for her sake. We could have done big things on Bad Boy, you know? ‘My hood, my hood, what’s good,’ remember? No? Well anyway, when Mase came back, me and her got pushed back. All of a sudden, we wasn’t no priority, and Puff wouldn’t talk to us no more. That’s right about the time she lost touch with reality, like lost its phone number and shit. It’s sad, man. I never thought it would end like this. Oh, did you want a drink with that? No? Aight. That’ll be…uh…hold on, the machine’s jammed up, I gotta go get Chen.”

Since that point, Babs has drifted further into paranoia and fantasy, thinking that cameras were still recording her and people were still interested in what she had to say. When contacted by phone, Babs complained to GB of “current” troubles with Da Band, threatening several times to quit and go solo. [Editor’s note: Yes, we’re fully aware that seeking quotes from her and writing stories about her will probably have an aggravating effect on her illness; but hey, we’re not doctors or anything. What do you want from us?]

“I’m tired of all the bullshit that I gotta put up with in this gwoop,” Babs said. “Nobody ever around! Dylan never around, Chopper never around, Sarah never around, Fred never around — nobody! I mean, I see Ness when I go to the Chinese, but come on. If you supposed to be in the gwoop, what you doing at the Chinese? It makes no sense. I’m the only one who show up when I’m supposed to show up, and be where I’m supposed to be at. Something’s gotta give, yo. Something’s gotta give.”

When asked for comment, Combs said, “Holler at them whiteboys I got, playboy. They on retainer. That’s what they there for. Mase album, in stores. Shelves full of them.”

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