The District Attorney’s Office of Bizarro County, California was in disarray this morning after their 60-year campaign to convict Nazi Party leader Adolf Hitler of race-hate crimes collapsed through lack of evidence. The shock verdict came after days of deliberation by the jury, who threw out all the charges. “There was tons of evidence,” said one juror, “and we went over it time and time again. But it was all in German. I mean, come on now, what the fuck?” Another juror commented on the demeanor of a key prosecution witness. “I didn’t like the way he kept shrugging his shoulders. I thought, ‘Don’t you shrug your shoulders at me, mister!'” Several of the jurors claimed the absence of a piece of “smoking gun” evidence was crucial in their decision to return a verdict of “not guilty” on the so-called Fuhrer. “There were reports of ovens filled with bones,” said one, “but we weren’t convinced they were human bones. I mean, those people drink an awful lot of chicken soup, don’t they?”
Hitler left the court without making a statement, but gave a brief salute to the thousands of fans who had congregated outside the courthouse to support him throughout the trial. He is expected to return to his ranch in Paraguay, where he will continue with his business producing hand-crafted lampshades and acting as a consultant to the U.S. Supreme Court.