Los Angeles, California — This Gossiping Bitches reporter today witnessed an event that has likely altered space and time As We Know It.
For the past decade or so, those visiting hip-hop record stores across the United States have become accustomed to hearing some variation of one of two phrases:
“Got that Busdriver?”
“You up on that Percee P?”
That was the sound of ubiquitous rappers Busdriver and Percee P slangin’ their wares in front of these stores, but today at Fat Beats in Los Angeles, that sound was silenced — forever. I went there in search of Diplomats records to take home and make fun of. As I was approaching the store, I noticed the rappers standing outside of it on opposite ends, seemingly unaware of each other’s presence. Fascinated because I had never seen the two together, I hid behind a parked car nearby and watched them. Suddenly, I spotted a young white male walking towards the front door of the store. The rappers also saw him and converged at once. But he was too quick and got inside before they could reach him. The rappers were unable to alter their trajectories, however, and remained on a collision course. That is when it happened.
The last words I heard them speak were, “Got that …” and “Up on that …”
Then, blinding light. I had to turn away, pointing my cellphone towards it to snap a photo. I glanced back at the store and the rappers had simply vanished. Gone. All that remained was light. And then a voice.
“Oh shit!”
It was rapper Jeru the Damaja, who was standing next to another parked car. He told me he was in town, “on business.” He was carrying a squeegee. I asked him if he knew what was going on. He said, [in Wrath of the Math intro voice] “Let us now discuss the …”
I interrupted, “Uh, that’s okay dude, I’ll just ask someone else.” I dropped a quarter in his cup and fled. I looked back just long enough to notice two things. First, Jeru was running after me. Second, Fat Beats and the surrounding area was … bending? And then it was disappearing, just as the rappers had.
When I arrived at my home, I immediately contacted Miroslav Kasal, Harold Brown Professor of Theoretical Physics at the California Institute of Technology. He faxed me his thoughts, which I transcribe here:
“First, note Busdriver busts the same technique David Lynch employs in dream sequences; he raps backwards, then plays these backwards recordings backwards, so that they’re forwards.
This is no mere parlor trick; Busdriver’s internal time evolves backwards, being composed of anti-matter.
When a particle collides with its anti-particle, they annihilate each other, with their rest mass energies dissipated initially as light.
A quick back of the envelope calculation shows the energy liberated was roughly 1.686*10^38 electron volts, an energy density unseen since the birth of the universe. To put this in perspective, 10^28 eV is the plank unification energy at which gravity begins to exhibit quantum effects, and we encounter naked singularities.
The extreme energy density pushed the local vacuum state out of its comfortable valley of stability. A change in the vacuum energy has drastic consequences. Normally the vacuum energy is just a touch more than zero, nominally 10^-120 times the plank energy; but this is due to the breaking of supersymmetry. Where the vacuum energy is truly zero, physics becomes supersymmetric; fermionic electrons become bosonic selectrons, we lose the pauli principle, all electrons and nucleons decay to ground state condensates, and atoms collapse. Life as we know it becomes impossible. The perturbation to the vacuum from the anti-P/P collision restored the vacuum to its true zero, restoring supersymmetric physics. This bubble of space-time, this sub-universe with its unliveable physics, has been slowly expanding, swallowing the world in the chaotic miasma of its primordial protoplasm. May god have mercy on our souls.”
Gossiping Bitches will continue to report on this story as it develops. Well, unless we have all been sucked into the sub-universe, but that’s just common sense.