Gossiping Bitches

The way they tell it, it ain’t where ya from, it’s where ya @. And let’s be real: sandboxautomatic.com hasn’t been “at” anywhere for quite some time now. But all that is about to change, as we learned from this press release trumpeting the 2007 re-launch of sandboxautomatic.com:

Dear industry heads and people still using dial-up,

The digital retail landscape is constantly changing and evolving. Website owners feel compelled to take advantage of every new bell and whistle that gets developed. We knew from the start that a lot of these fancy amenities would be trends without real substance or purpose. So we chilled. We layed in the cut. We peeped the game and held it down. Now, we’re ready to assume the helm of online hip-hop retail again. Take a look at the NEW sandboxautomatic Version 5.97!

The original and still best online hip-hop ordering site brings to you a full relaunch for 2007, with the NEW and IMPROVED sandboxautomatic.com, version 5.97! We believe our customers prefer substance over style, so we haven’t concentrated on cumbersome Flash animations or unwieldy album tracklistings. Instead, we bring you the nothing but the rough, rugged and real hip-hop grit, stab you straight in your nose bone.

On the front, and practically only, page of sandboxautomatic, you will be first treated to a list of dates telling about our most recent updates, though it is up to you to figure out what those updates entailed! Consider it the internet version of diggin’ in the crates. As you scroll down the page, you will see an ever-growing list of albums added in the last six months. (People suffering from epilepsy or children with ADHD should not scroll down too quickly.)

Every new album on sandboxautomatic is updated with a glorious postage-stamp sized, 32 color gif of the cover artwork, unless for some reason we don’t have the cover artwork. We are then able to re-purpose those cover scans to produce our own exclusive versions of certain albums, which we offer to the public, until we get caught. So be sure to get your orders in early! At one time, we had disdain for pre-ordering items, but now it is pretty much the only way we stay afloat. If you do place an order and it does not arrive promptly, you can contact our customer service department for further frustration. Do not despair! We will get around to mailing your package. Eventually.

We haven’t lost touch with what put us on the online retail map in the first place: promotional items. Strictly speaking, we don’t have too many. If you can scroll down to about the center of the front page without getting carpal tunnel syndrome or just getting bored and leaving the site altogether, you will see an easy-to-understand system that details our requirements to earn promotional items. For example: if you buy $50 worth of vinyl and $20 worth of non-vinyl items, you are eligible for a free copy of the promo mixtape for Jay-Z’s Blueprint. However, if you buy $70 worth of vinyl only, then you are eligible for either a 12″ copy of Skillz’s 2004 Wrap-Up or some old Rawkus record we have laying around. It’s just that simple! Be sure to click the boxes attached to those promo items if you are the kind of person that presses the traffic signal button at crosswalks because you think it actually affects anything. Keep hope alive.

We hope you enjoy our brand-NEW re-launch of sandboxautomatic, version 5.97! Keep checking back for updates and for the latest in hip-hop online retail technology! More importantly than checking, though, please buy something. Seriously. I’m running this thing off a laptop with a WiFi connection and I’m using a locker at the bus station for warehousing. Just cop an old issue of Elemental, anything. I don’t want to have to move back in with my mom.

Sincerely,

Ed “Eza” Wong

Tags: ed wong, internet, sandbox automatic