The amazing career of Tupac Shakur cannot be pigeonholed with such labels as “fake thug,” “homo thug,” or “total fucking sham.” No, Tupac rose above all those mere terms and made fake thuggery an art, and his records canonize the rules and morals of a fake thug. Who else could be such a convincing on-wax tough guy that people think of him as a “West Coast ridah” and forgot he was actually a lousy East Coast rapper who called himself MC New York in an attempt to intimidate his fellow art school students? Who else could pose for a magazine photograph wearing a leather bustier and not get called out for it? Who else could start bullshit drama at the drop of a hat just to prove how “real” he was, then go hide behind his big buddy Suge when it started to catch up to him? Love him or hate him, he transcended mere acting on records and laid down the blueprint for all fake thugs who follow in his footsteps. Look around you and observe how many fake thugs adhere to the Gospel of Tupac. Truly, Tupac is the Patron Saint of fake thugs. With that in mind, we present to you the Tupac Scale to trace how closely this first crop of 11 alleged thugs adheres to the standards and practices laid out by Mr. Shakur.
JA RULE
Evidence: Tough-talking midget whose entire career is built off being a homo-thug R&B singer. Can’t keep a chain for more than a day and a half without it getting snatched. Has been seen on MTV shamelessly oiling his chest, engaging in Singing in the Rain-boosted performances, and appearing in videos that try to equate the movie Grease with thuggery.
Defense: Had an untalented associate graze 50 Cent with a knife blade. Gangsta!
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must sing heartfelt rendition of “Between Me and You” to the Tossed Salad guy from HBO’s Behind Bars; must supply own syrup when tossing salad.
Tupac Scale: 8.5 Tupacs – Raping chicks in hotel rooms while asking them to “Keep Ya head Up,” spitting at news cameras, 50 Niggaz tattoo
CAGE
Evidence: Steely-mouthed chubby guy that plays up brief incarceration in a mental institution as the basis for his rap career. Quick to rattle off dis tracks but doesn’t engage in physical confrontations. White boy. Enjoys watching Farscape on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Defense: Was name-checked by Eminem once. Hit Celph Titled with a bottle of beer to a rousing cry of, “Who cares?”
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must stop mentioning his brief verse on Prime Minister Pete Nice and Daddy’s Rich’s Dust to Dust; must allow Freddie Foxxx to bitch-slap him before a stadium audience.
Tupac Scale: 3 Tupacs – Flowin’ on the “DFLO Shuttle,” high-top fade, beat down by Oakland police
50 CENT
Evidence: Took out order of protection against Ja Rule and crew after a confrontation; talks a lot of smack but hides when other rappers are around. Personal security costs could fuel a third-world nation’s economy.
Defense: Got shot nine times.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must join rap group Onyx for their fifth release.
Tupac Scale: 8 Tupacs – Thug Life tattoo, stomping Sam Sneed at Death Row offices, hoping to release next album within one week of the next time he gets shot
SUGE KNIGHT
Evidence: His name is Marion. Known confidante of Irv Gotti and “The Inc.”
Defense: Hung Vanilla Ice off a balcony, made P. Diddy’s associate drink his urine, implicated in the murders of Tupac and Notorious B.I.G.
Verdict: Innocent
Tupac Scale: 1 Tupac – Tearing it up on “Same Song,” interviews with Tabitha Soren, delivering mail to Janet Jackson. (Addendum: Suge’s the man Tupac claimed to be, but he still did imitate the man who imitated him.)
MOBB DEEP
Evidence: Tough-talking midgets who claim to kill people just for breathing but are too frail to handle the kick of a firearm. Overuse of the word “son.” Did song with 112.
Defense: “Shook Ones Part II” is the jam.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must make string of unentertaining, tired albums for an indifferent record label (credit given for time already served); must fight Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis on the next installment of Celebrity Boxing.
Tupac Scale: 6 Tupacs – Just learned how to tie bandana around head, claiming from jail that Thug Life is dead, banging Whitley from A Different World
FREDDIE FOXXX
Evidence: Nothing. One-time’s got no case, just some ol’ trumped-up bullshit trying to stop Bumpy Knucks from doing what has to be done.
Defense: His entire life’s history. Outright disses many fake thugs to no retaliation. The most feared man in hip-hop.
Verdict: Case dismissed before going to trial.
Tupac Scale: 0 Tupacs
ICE CUBE
Evidence: Grew up in a stable household. Latched on to Da Lench Mob so that he could turn their life stories into songs. Appeared with makeup straight outta The Crow on the cover to War and Peace. Was on movie set with pre-J.Lo Jennifer Lopez and didn’t hit that shit – that ain’t steady mobbin’.
Defense: First two solo albums, plus solo EP, are outright classics, plus he wrote most of Straight Outta Compton, also a classic. Appeared on the cover of Newsweek‘s seminal “Is Gangsta Rap Too Real?” cover. Had his lyrics decried by the FBI.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must immediately stop making Friday movies and destroy all master copies of both sequels already in existence. Must give all his record royalties to the L-E-N-C-H M-O-B: T-Bone, and that’s Jay Dee.
Tupac Scale: 2 Tupacs – Humping blow-up dolls onstage with Digital Underground, asking Shock G for throwaway beats, writing awful poetry.
ICE-T
Evidence: Failed to murder LL Cool J for dissing him and lumping him in with Kool Moe Dee and Hammer in the process. During his otherwise stellar episode of Cribs, revealed that his son is a big Britney Spears fan. Unless it’s because he wants to grow up and pimp her out, that’s a mark against daddy.
Defense: One of the very, very few rappers with pimp rhymes who actually pimped. Known and respected as creator of the crime rhyme. And did you see the rest of his episode of Cribs? That is player, I must say.
Verdict: Innocent
Tupac Scale: 0 Tupacs
DMX
Evidence: Smoked crack with his grandmother. Did song with Sisqo. Constantly exhibits homosexual behavior – butch, yes, but still gay.
Defense: Smoked crack with his grandmother.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Must permanently wear electric dog collar around his neck so that he can be zapped every time he barks. Must live with no fewer than 50 cats.
Tupac Scale: 7.5 Tupacs – One testicle, trying to bang Faith Evans, dressing like a futuristic Blue Oyster Bar patron for Mad Max-themed video.
EAZY-E
Evidence: Went to a Republican fundraiser dinner. Wore Jheri Curl his entire career. Tried to defend one of the cops who beat Rodney King.
Defense: Still sold dime bags of sticky-icky-icky even when he was a major celebrity. Filmed hanging around the studio with an AK-47. Provided the truth of NWA’s lyrical content. Made more money off The Chronic than Dre or Suge did.
Verdict: Innocent
Tupac Scale: -1 Tupacs (Tupac bit Eazy with the whole early death steez).
BEANIE SIGEL
Evidence: His nickname, Beans, is also the namesake of a somewhat faggy art rapper. Hangs out with Freeway unironically.
Defense: Pushes a drop-top Bentley—paid for in cash—despite lackluster album sales (you do the math). Well known for busting shots on Sigel St. Looked down the barrel of a 30-50 year murder rap, didn’t blink, and walked away a free man, rocking Al Capone suits the entire time. Almost stomped out that bitch who threw a drink on him at the club in NC during Jay-Z’s first stint on MTV’s Diary.
Verdict: It’s a mistrial. Just like in real life.
Tupac Scale: 2.5 Tupacs – Feigning interest in Brenda’s baby, stealing auditions from Money B, sued by the Hughes brothers.
