columns: According to My Sources


Dear Gossiping Bitch

By a Gossiping Bitch on November 18th, 2004

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
hey man, why do you remove yourself from my list but keep me on yours. i’m not mad, and i enjoy your mail, just wondering…

Dear CB,
I am sorry that you had to find out this way, but things aren’t working out between us. I think we should start subscribing to other mailing lists. I know that when you signed up for the mailing list, you didn’t know that you’d find true love. I didn’t know how serious it would get, so quickly. At first, your promotional e-mails were cute. Flattering, even. But I should have cut you off right there and let you know that could never be anything between us. It’s not you, my dear CB, it’s me. I’m a Gossiping Bitch and that’s all I’ll ever be. I hope you can understand and try to move on. Thanks for reading!
– GB

Dear Gossiping Bitch,
It’s good to know you didn’t completely fall the hell off! I was a tad bit worried. I was like “What’s up with that gossiping Bitch?” So, anyhoo — I look forward to seeing you back and stride again.
Be cool,

Dear Lique,
That was some shit, huh? For a minute, it was like the internet had acquired some kind of quality standards or something. People were freaking out, wondering, “What does this mean for my blog? Maybe ‘I walked my dog and saw a cockroach’ won’t cut it anymore!” Suddenly, where there was pointless content, came substance. People began to ruminate on social ills and world politics. The internet became involved in its community, helping the elderly cross streets and building playgrounds and such. It looked like the dawn of a new Era of Useful Information was upon us, then came back online and lowered the bar for everyone. Thanks for reading!
– GB

Dear Gossiping B!@#$es,
What can you tell me about my man Noriega?

Dear Leeeeezy,
Born in Panama City, your man Noriega was a career soldier, receiving much of his education at the Military School de Chorrillos in Lima, Peru and at the School of the Americas in Fort Benning, Georgia. Your man Noriega was commissioned in the National Guard in 1967 and promoted to Lieutenant in 1968. In that year, your man Noriega was part of the military coup d’etat that removed Arnulfo Arias from power. Your man Noriega received a promotion to Lieutenant Colonel and was appointed chief of military intelligence by the new leader Omar Torrijos Herrera. In his post, your man Noriega conducted a ruthless campaign against peasant guerrillas in Western Panama and orchestrated the “disappearances” of political opponents.
When Torrijos died in a plane crash in 1981, he was succeeded by Ruben Dario Paredes, while your man Noriega became Chief of Staff. Your man Noriega enhanced his position as de facto ruler in August 1983 by promoting himself to General. Your man Noriega proved himself an ally to the US. Despite the canal treaties, your man Noriega allowed the US to set up listening posts in Panama, and your man Noriega aided the pro-American forces in El Salvador and Nicaragua by acting as a conduit for American money and weapons.
Your man Noriega suffered from severe acne and was nicknamed “Pineapple Face” due to his pockmarked complexion. Thanks for reading!

Client Update:
Several Companies have been competing for your mort gage refinance application over the past 2 weeks. The company that offered the lowest ra te, and largest 1oan quantity has requested your information be verified: http://www.some
All the best
Mae Goodson
Business Ect.

Dear Mae Goodson,
The inhabitants of the planet Mor-Clerk are glad to hear from you. We are glad that Project Mort Gage is going precisely as planned. Remain in position as a Business Ect and await further instructions. We will make these Hu Mans bend to our will in short order.
Thanks for Read Ing,
Gossiping Bitch
Mor-Clerk Prime Minister

Send me all your questions, comments and threats, and I promise to get back to you asap! That is, of course, unless I don’t.

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