This week’s Interview from the Afterlife took me to the home of former child star Emily Schulman who played Harriet Brindle on the long-running TV sitcom Small Wonder. You may remember her as the horny next-door neighbor who played the foil to virgin/gay/fat son Jamie Lawson. Since the conclusion of Small Wonder, Schulman has been working as a stagehand at the local dinner theater, an escort (as I found out via an exquisite hand job), and an amateur medium. As a dead celebrity interviewer, I found this last bit especially intriguing. I was going to talk to a dead celebrity through a celebrity whose career is dead.
She said she was new at “the whole medium game” and wasn’t 100% sure who she was going to get, so after a little bit of the old hit and miss we finally struck gold. By “gold”, I mean one Gordon Jump of WKRP in Cincinnati fame. The very same Gordon Jump who played the Maytag washing machine repairman and perhaps his most defining role as the child molesting bike store owner on the Diff’rent Strokes episode “The Bicycle Man.”
What followed made me laugh, cry, cringe, scream in horror, but most importantly it made me feel.
Emily Schulman: Ohhhh Great Spirit in the sky, we wish to speak to one of your many shining stars, send us the brightest…
Gossiping Bitch: Emily, are you all right?
ES: Who…who is that? Who am I speaking with?
GB: Are you talking to me?
ES: Yes, who else would I be talking to?
GB: Is that you Emily or have you made contact?
ES: Emily?? This is Gordon Jump aka “the Jump off.”
GB: Oh I’m sorry, Mr. Jump, I didn’t realize.
Emily Schulman (now channeling Gordon Jump): Not a problem sonny. What can I do you for?
GB: Well, I ain’t no sonny now, but I would like to interview you if that’s okay?
ES (NCGJ): Oh, sure thing buddy just ask away.
GB: Outstanding. Well, I guess the first question I have is what have you been up to since you’ve died?
ES (NCGJ): You know, the regular fare. I spent the first couple of weeks getting used to the whole dead thing. It’s weird, it’s not like you expect it to be. I expect angels and demons, shit like that, but it’s not like that at all. In fact the first week after I died three queens dressed as angels told me they were going to take me to the golden escalator to heaven. I was psyched as shit so I followed them, no questions asked. They took me to dark alley, clubbed me over the head and anally raped me for the next 4 hours. Sure I liked it, but I felt violated by their rouse. At the end of the day, the only difference between Earth and the afterlife is that there are no limitations in the afterlife.
GB: Wow, the afterlife sounds a bit rough.
ES (NCGJ): That’s how I like it, sister.
GB: You mentioned there were no limitations. So does that mean you can fly and shit?
ES (NCGJ): No, the laws of nature still stand; this isn’t The Matrix, but sometimes it is just as boring. There are no man-made laws; it’s sort of like anarchy. Your basic free-for-all. Like just the other day I went to the liquor store, drank two bottles of Jack right there in the aisle. Then I pistol-whipped the cashier and walked out without paying. You can do whatever the fuck you like. Right before she channeled me I put 15 puppies in a bag, beat them with a pipe and then dumped them in the river. It’s grand!
GB: Sounds like a blast.
ES (NCGJ): For the most part it is. The overall lawlessness can get to you. Sometimes you run across a real bastard and that sucks. You can’t die again, so you can live through anything. So far I have been shot twice, had three Columbian neckties and my balls nailed to a table.
GB: Jesus, that sounds awful.
ES (NCGJ): It is what it is. You just have to walk it off like a charley horse. I like to cut off my body parts now and again … Ohhhhhhh the pain feels so good it makes me feel like I’m alive again.
GB: So do you miss the real world?
ES (NCGJ): What, the TV show? Nah, I stopped watching it during the New Orleans season. I couldn’t stand that slutty Thai girl and the Jesus freaks.
GB: No I meant the physical plain, Earth.
ES (NCGJ): Ohhh, some days I do, others I don’t.
GB: On the days you do, what do you miss the most?
ES (NCGJ): I guess the thrill of decadence. When you have no laws governing your behavior, it takes the thrill out of being decadent. I used to love to get all liquored up, shoot down to China Town and grab a few boys off the street and party like we were at the Neverland ranch.
GB: So wait, you actually were into boys? The whole Diff’rent Strokes thing wasn’t just a character?
ES (NCGJ): Sure it was, at first. But I’m like Sean Penn or Benicio Del Toro. I mean, I really get into my roles. At first I was appalled by the idea, but by the time I got into the role, I was in too deep. I couldn’t fight it anymore. At first I was very conflicted by it. I would dress my assistant, who I was sleeping with at the time, as a small newsie or shoe shine boy. Eventually that got really awkward. Women like to feel pretty and I’m sure she felt dirty dressing up like one of the kids in those Sally Struthers commercials. She got a big time acting gig right when it started to get weird. She is actually a big star right now.
GB: Really, who is she?
ES (NCGJ): Well, I don’t like to drop names, but let’s just say she is a cast member of Friends that is married to the retarded Arquette fella.
GB: Wow, that’s amazing. I guess she is kind of boyish.
ES (NCGJ): Yeah she has the body of a 12-year-old boy.
GB: So after she left, what happened?
ES (NCGJ): After that, I started going after drifters and the occasional prep school heroin addict. They were all legal but looked like little boys. Eventually this got boring and I needed the real thing, a real thrill. Next thing you know, I am cruising the streets looking for kids. I chose China Town because there are young boys on the street at all hours of the night. It’s amazing, really. The night before I died I saw this 5-year-old boy with no shoes or socks riding his bike at 2 A.M. He was an easy pick up. That slant-eyed bastard is lucky too. I was so ready to give him a roofied-up Push-Pop and take him in the back of Chang Ho’s opium den for some role playing. I have this great Howard Hessman mask I like to wear. I always pretend I’m Dr. Johnny Fever and the child is Bailey. It’s great. Once in a while, I would even invite Jeffrey Jones and Eddie Murphy to play Les Nessman and Venus Flytrap respectively. Man, those were good times.
Unfortunately I was on call with Maytag. Some woman in Westchester broke her dryer. She thought she could use it to dry her silverware. Needless to say, it fucked up the whole system.
GB: I can’t even get my head around this. That is fucking horrible.
ES (NCGJ): I know. Fucking spoiled housewives made my days and nights a living hell, being on call 24 hours a day is no picnic.
GB: I actually meant the weird sex shit you were into. Lets switch gears and talk about your career. It was always my understanding that playing the bike store owner had ruined you in Hollywood.
ES (NCGJ): Not at all. After that I was up for all kinds of shit. I was supposed to play a serial killer, a terrorist, a cockfight promoter, a porn tycoon, etc. I turned them all down because I felt that these roles would typecast me, much like John Travolta who is now forced to play gay aliens and Jesus freaks.
So I decided to go with the Maytag commercials. I had no idea they would be so demanding. They took up all my time. It was too much. Between the personal appearances; filming the commercials; repairing washers and dryers (those things break down a lot more than the commercials would have you believe); and cruising for kids, it was too much. I couldn’t concentrate on my career. I really wanted to spread my wings and try some dinner theater. You know, get back to my roots on the stage. I used to bus tables at a dinner theater … ahh the rush of the stage-lights! It was something special, I tell you. I can still smell the cheap perfume of housewives and/or mistresses.
GB: It sounds like you have a few regrets. What are your biggest?
ES (NCGJ): That’s a tough one. There are so many in a single lifetime. If I had to choose three they would be never having children, the bukake film I made in Istanbul, and jeez, I don’t know. There are so many. I guess I would have to say abandoning my political aspirations for the fear that my child loving ways would be found out.
GB: Why would you think that? Everyday, politicians get away with much worse.
ES (NCGJ): I know, it was foolish. I let my fear get the best of me. Now I see the current administration. They are slaughtering goats in the Lincoln Bedroom as part of a satanic death ritual. Most of them practice bestiality and a few even dine on the saut饤 flesh of immigrant children. In hindsight, my offenses do not seem all that bad.
GB: I see our medium is pointing to her watch and making a “wrap it up” motion. Do you have any final words for our readers?
ES (NCGJ): No sir, I don’t care for injuns, so screw your readers.
GB: Thanks for your time, Mr. Jump.
ES: Oh Gordon, come back…wait. He is gone.
GB: Are you ok?
ES: I’ll be fine, I’m just a little tired.
GB: Too tired for one of those legendary handjobs?
ES: Only if you got cash.
GB: I have $15 and a coupon for a free coffee at Starbucks.
ES: Fine, but you clean up this time.