“MADU RIBU! MADU RIBU!”: Interview with Quasimodo

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Hyped on how well our recent Edan interview was received, we thought to ourselves, fuck it, why not embrace our natural demographic — pasty, white rap nerds – and try to hook up an interview with Quasimoto as well? Wary of blowing our own spot, we decided to hire an independent public relations company to take care of the arrangements. Bad move. We ended up with a bunch of Billyburg white-belt fucknuts more interested in arguing about whether The Bravery was cooler than The Killers than in getting us our Quas interview, as we discovered when the star of Walt Disney’s hit animated motion picture The Hunchback of Notre Dame started blowing up our pager. We were ready to write the whole thing off like Loon’s Bad Boy contract when this cat somehow got hold of our unlisted number. After listening to him talk at us for a half-hour straight, we said, ah, what the fuck. So we called up our European bureau chief with instructions to take some time out from his regular gig as a soccer hooligan, take a shower and take his tea-drinking ass over to Paris, France, because there might be a story in this. And there is – a story of persecution, thwarted dreams, mistaken identities and much more. Here it is, bam – the Quasimodo interview.

Gossipingbitches.com: This is some crib you have here [Quas lives in a four-room penthouse apartment near the Palais Des Justices]. How’d you manage to live so nice?

Quasimodo: Thanks. No doubt I’m gettin’ paid now. Those DVD residuals and image-rights royalties off of Disney can add up to some major cake. Sure beats the shit out of a cold-ass cathedral floor. Word to Michael Eisner, and Will Smith can kiss my ugly ass.

GB: How do you spend your time these days?

Q: Oh, just regular dude stuff. I surf the internet, smoke a bowl, watch The Weather Channel on satellite – I like that show. Different stuff every day, not like other shows. I’m writing a book, too. You’re English, right? You read books? It’s a history of campanology. That’s a twenty-dollar word for bell-ringing. I been knowin’ about that for a minute.

GB: You listen to a lot of hip-hop as well, by the look of it.

Q: A lot. I got some dope records, huh? French people love them some rap music. I mean, they eat that shit up, all of it. You know there’s dudes over here that are actually excited about the next D12 record? Can you believe that shit?

GB: Well, that’s the reason we wanted to talk to you. Most people know you from the Disney movie…

Q: …or they think I got something to do with Madlib.

GB (laughs): Yeah, Madlib. Do you want to talk about that now?

Q: Nah, we can save that for later. Lemme tell you about Hollywood first. So, Disney made a movie of my life, right?

GB: Right.

Q: You seen it? No? You know that Lost Boyz joint, “Renee”? Well, it’s a little like that, only not styled by Pelle Pelle. Dude, I lived that shit. Straight grimy. Irv Gotti thinks he’s being persecuted right now? He don’t know shit.

GB: But the movie was a hit.

Q: Sure. People started jockin’ me, tellin’ me to get an agent, go to Hollywood, all that shit. Bein’ ugly ain’t a thing, they said, even Biz is gettin’ in movies now. Yeah, but Biz ain’t seein’ that Denzel money, nahmean?

GB: So what did you do?

Q: I took my fee for the movie, and tried to get into the cellphone game. I started a company called Modorola, and we were doin’ OK for a minute. Then there was a hostile takeover, I got kicked off of the board and they changed the company name. It was funny style, but I couldn’t do nothin’. Anyway, I’d been living rough on the top of a skyscraper in NY for maybe eighteen months, when somebody tracked me down with a release form for the DVD of the movie. I got myself a lawyer, cut a nice little deal and moved back to Paris. I just like the pace of life over here. They could wash a little more often, though.

GB: Word. So, tell us about the Madlib thing.

Q: Oh, man. That shit’s been unbelievable. First time, I was in the big flea market they got here, diggin’ for records, and about a half-dozen Japanese kids just ran up on me, yellin’, “MADU RIBU! MADU RIBU!” I didn’t know what the fuck was goin’ on! One of them had this album called The Unseen with him, and he asked me to sign it. I saw the name “Quasimoto”, and I thought, this is “Modorola” all over again. Change one little letter, and fools think they can fuck with me. Raekwon was right, man. Shark niggas. They everywhere.

GB: Did you step to Madlib about it?

Q: Nah. Fuck it, man, life’s too short. I thought about it, but shit is lovely right now. Why put it all at risk over some intellectual property shit? Besides, you ever try to speak to that cat? Talk about blunted. I mean, some of his records are aight, but his quality control ain’t shit. Yesterday’s New Quintet? What the fuck was that shit? “I’ma tape myself fuckin’ around on the piano and just throw that shit out there”? Suckers were buyin’ it too! (shakes head in disbelief).

GB: And then there was the business with Doom.

Q: It’s like this – I’m Disney, Doom’s Marvel. Don’t get it twisted. No matter how often I break it down to fools, it still happens, what, maybe a couple of times a month, even now. That, and English cats tryna holla at me about fuckin’ Michel Urbaniak records or Gentle fuckin’ Giant. Like I give a fuck. I mean, if I was gettin’ some ass because of all this mistaken i.d. shit, that’d be a whole other matter. I oughta change my name to Tyrese or Usherr.

GB: Any future plans?

Q: Apart from the book, you mean? I’m thinkin’ about an EP.

GB: BEP?

Q: What? Oh, BEP – hahaha! Funny you mention that. That will.i.am dude hollered at me just last week. They tryna take that shit to Icecapades or some shit, and he was saying to me that, since I been there, done that, would I help ’em out, y’know? I told him I’d think about it if that Fergie bitch broke me off a lil’ sup’m sup’m. But, nah – all that aside, I wanna do an EP.

GB: Oh, OK. For real?

Q: Fuck, yeah. Quasimodo Rocks the Bells. Madlib better protect that neck, ‘cos I’ma fuck him up. I’m gonna have a version of “Peter Piper” on there, maybe some other shit. Get some kids from the suburbs to rhyme on it. You know that it’s only black people who live in the suburbs over here, right? Ain’t that some shit? Nah, I’m gonna take it way the fuck back. Real bells. Old-school my ass, we on some pre-Reformation shit, ya heard?

GB: Well, we look forward to hearing it, and thanks for talking to us.

Q: Hey, you’re welcome. I’m just glad I finally got the chance to tell my story. Hey, listen – you wanna take some of this cheese with you? It’s stinkin’ up the joint.