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Wale Weak Closing Ceremonies

By Wale on April 18th, 2014

The Weak in Wale - Day 5Gossiping Bitch’s Note: We have temporarily ceded control of our website to rapper/activist Wale (for the week), who threatened to come to our offices and such and such and so and so if we did not provide him a platform.

Bob Costas: We are brought to this final day of Wale Weak in which much has been learned, particularly in the fields of mental illness, historical find-and-replacing, and rap skullduggery. There was also a lot of laziness involved, if we are candid. What minimal talent on display completely overshadowed by the conceptual weakness of…um…and hold that thought, because it looks like the ceremony has begun, let’s send it over to Meredith, Matt, and Al. Guys…

Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer, and Al Roker talking at the same time: And there we see Wale with his Maybach Music Group teammates in matching tracksuits, Wale trailing behind, struggling to keep up. You may not know this but Wale has a fear of exclusion, with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Which would all be fine if he just would face it rather than taking it out on the listening audience and public at large. How about those suits, though, guys? Designed by Frau Queldroisa, a Dutch-German designer based in West Palm Beach, Florida, they are made of velour, “bedazzled” if you will, with very large diamonds which are the best because of how big they are, secured by gold zippers, and flared with tapples and beautiful French plisting you see at the neckline. And how about this weather out here in the internet? All the models show it will be mild for the foreseeable future, or possibly forever. Can you imagine that, an eternity of perfect mildness? Hey, hold on, guys, because I think we have Lester Holt standing by with members of the Maybach contingent.

Lester Holt: Hi guys. Words and stuff that are insignificant because nobody listens to them unless I accidentally say penis and it becomes a 12 second youtube with one million views, but a question goes here and you’re expecting one so I end with a question inflection like, can you tell us how it feels?

Rick Ross: True, true. All good, all good. Basically I’m like the 50 of this crew, and big Wale like the everybody in G-Unit except 50 of us, you know. We bring a guy along, though, it look good on a resume. Mentorship. Teaching the unteachable. I made a killing being somebody else, and this guy is completely himself and will never be enough.

Gunplay: Can I just chime in to point out people keep saying I’ma blow but I’m pretty old now and it hasn’t happened? Ross not exactly Lebroning us along, is all I’m saying. And since you’re gonna ask, the swastika is all about the right angles of our society interlocking to form an overbearing sense of…

Lester Holt: No, I was not asking. Back to you upstairs, oh wait, we have the whole reason we’re here. How are you, Wale?

Wale: Aggrieved, Lester. You see, despite having my own week on a high profile website, I still had my interview and cover story pulled at the last motherfuckin second when Sid Caesar died on the same date. I mean, goddamn, you saying Sid Caesar more hot in the streets right now than Wale?! Don’t get me wrong, he a pioneer of televised comedy, inventing a whole genre that we take for granted today, launching the careers of many legends along the way. We certainly owe him a debt of gratitude, and hey, by the way, those sketches remain very humorous today, thank you very much, and do seek them out. But shepherding in an age of comedy is nothing compared to the album I just put out! Let’s be real!

Lester Holt: Passionate words from the guy hard to see from behind Rick Ross most of the time, Bob, over to…

Wale: See, that’s the shit I’m talking…

Lester Holt: I’m throwing to Bob Costas, little man. You’re not talking to some local basketball TV geek, I am Lester Holt and I will shuck you hollow. Now, back to Bob.

Bob Costas: As the first and probably last Wale Weak draws to an end, what will we remember most? Is it the delusional predictions of a life at the top? Or what about a child’s learning tool perverted to reflect a grown man’s narcissism? Perhaps most poignantly, it could be one man’s journey through a discography rendered in 30 second clips. Oh, maybe I meant least poignantly. Whatever. We cannot say with any certainty what images will remain most indelible to us in the future, for time changes our values, as well as what our eyes respond to. Did I say eyes? Never mind that. What’s important is that how we experience Wale today may very well be different than how we experience him in the future. Today, you know Wale as that rapper guy with the name someone taught you how to say. Tomorrow, he could become “that guy…um…who am I thinking of…you know who I’m talking about…it’ll come to me in a minute…but anyway, like I was saying, short people always doing things on the low, literally like…” And that’s the lesson, here. Wale and the week dedicated to him will likely be as forgotten as whoever was responsible for writing the rest of this script…sooo…guess that’s all…nothing else typed into the prompter, it seems…this is Bob Costas, signing off from the land of Wale.

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