Can you either post something new or get rid of that goddamn Troy Walsh BS. I just started reading your site and the endorsement of that joke is almost enough to make me stop. I’d like to think that it was sarcastic, but you guys seem genuinely impressed by him. Is his dad bankrolling your site? Are you actually rich white kids from his home town? He’s horrible. One of the worst rappers I’ve ever heard. Ever. No hyperbole. Cut the shit and start slinging some dirt.
– Matt Dugan
Dear Matt Dugan,
Thank you for expressing your interest in the content published on gossipingbitches.com. I see you have concerns about our officially-endorsed White rapper, Troy Walsh. Please be assured that there is no sarcasm, implied or otherwise, when it comes to the official and thorough endorsement of Troy Walsh and his fabulous lp, Country Clubbin’. It was not an easy or rash decision to choose Troy Walsh as our officially-endorsed White rapper, and in fact the selection process was very arduous. First, the Gossiping Bitches staff sorted through dozens of demo tapes and CD-Rs, weeding out those rappers who claimed to be White but whose cover photos showed that they wore durags and ostentatious platinum jewelry—some in their teeth, mind you! Then, we listened to the remaining demos and whittled down the prospects by eliminating those White rappers who lacked melanin in their epidermis, but not in their gun and drug-laced rhymes. Finally, we were left with a handful of possible White rappers, and Troy Walsh was selected as being the most representative of what gossipingbitches.com wants to endorse. We know that this may not always be the popular decision, but it is our hope that our endorsement will attract prospective listeners still in shellshock from the latest G-Unit video. If what you are really asking, Matt Dugan, is whether or not we received your demo, I can say that we did but unfortunately you did not make it past the first round of selections. One of your songs is unfortunately titled, “‘Round My Way”, and did not fit our plans for endorsement. Again, thank you for your interest, and we will be glad to critique your music in the future if you “clean it up” a little.
Sincerely,
A Gossiping Bitch
Dear Assholes,
You think you’re The fucking Onion or some shit? You’re not fit to wipe their shitty asses! You should learn to take the business of humor a little more seriously!
— Funny Guy in Folkston
Dear Funny Guy,
I assure you that we here at gossipingbitches.com do not consider ourselves onions or any other kind of vegetable matter. We are journalists who happen to believe that getting a story out to the reading public as soon as possible supercedes the importance of fact-checking. Sure, sometimes we end up publishing half-truths or even halved half-truths, but think of all the great stories we have broken here at gossipingbitches.com! We dropped science on Jade Jagger’s B.O., the Puffster still pining after J. Lopez, and Elton John working on a new album with 50 Cent and the G-Unit, and all of these stories have been proven 100% true!* So if you’re looking for hard-hitting news, then please tune into gossipingbitches.com every day. If you’re looking for comedy, then tune into Mad About You starring Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser–those crackers are a riot!
Thanks for reading!
A Gossiping Bitch
*Please note that in this instance, “have been proven 100% true!” is equivalent to “have not been 100% disproven or have not been addressed in other media at all!”
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Thanks for reading!
A Gossiping Bitch
Send me all your questions, comments and threats, and I promise to get back to you asap! That is, of course, unless I don’t.