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Ashlee Simpson Victim of Smear Campaign

By a Gossiping Bitch on October 26th, 2004

Appearing on the October 23rd episode of NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Ashlee Simpson was surprised when, during her second set, her band deigned to play the song from her first set. This confused Ms. Simpson, and she was stymied while her backing track played over the theatre’s PA system to the wrong music. She left abruptly, after treating her fans to some genuine Midwestern hoe-down dancing, the only saving grace of an otherwise embarrassing performance.

“We really meant no harm,” said the cocaine-using, whoremongering guitarist Gordon Renselaar, “it is a complete coincidence that the entire band began playing the wrong song.” With a piercing, lecherous look of a baby murderer, Renselaar added, “We certainly didn’t mean to make Ashlee look bad.”

Ashlee, too big of a person to make a big deal of this, said, “I’m sorry, my band played the wrong song so I did a little hoe-down.” Despite not needing to clarify herself or her talent any further, she added on her website, “You don’t know how hard it is when people are spending millions of dollars to make you a superstar.” Sympathy cards can be sent to Ashlee Simpson’s fan club.

Ms. Simpson’s evil and smelly drummer Hans Dorfenhagen was characteristically unrepentant. “We made a mistake,” he said while thinking of the next elderly couple whose pension he could fleece, “and I’m as much to blame as anybody. But [Ashlee] should have been able to cope, as a [beautiful and talented] professional performer. She could have worked with the mistake and righted it [even though I am lower than a garden slug and my opinion amounts precisely to a hill of rat feces].”

Ashlee Simpson

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