In a ceremony held at the Adam Clayton Powell Jr. auditorium in Harlem, New York this morning, the president of the ‘Hood Awareness Association bestowed the official title of Accepted White Musician to guitarist and songwriter John Mayer. The brief ceremony included a speech by the HAA president, the issuing of a plaque commemorating the occasion, and a wallet-sized Ghetto Pass, which can be used for gaining entry to Black neighborhoods around the country.
This occasion comes on the heels of a recent interview with Mayer in the latest issue of XXL, but HAA president, the Reverend Doctor Deacon Minister James Walter Jones IV Jr., assured everyone that they have been watching him for some time. “From his work on the Dave Chappelle show to chumming around with Hov, John has continually shown a willingness to appeal to the people from whom he stole his style of music. Representing the Black ‘hoods across America, I’d like to say that we appreciate that.”
John Mayer was pleased to receive his Accepted White Musician award, but there was some concern in the crowd as to what this meant for Phil Collins, who issued a statement declaring that he is divorcing his wife immediately and intends to wallow in his own misery on record until rappers without “Bone” in their names start sampling his music again. “I like John, but for real, I’m still feeling Phil,” said one member of the audience that asked not to be named, “no homo.” Another attendee remarked, “‘Daughters’ is an okay song, but it’s not fucking with ‘In the Air Tonight.’ No fucking way.” Still, others were glad to witness this changing of the guard. “Phil Collins is the man, no doubt,” said a female member of the audience, “but he’s never even used his Ghetto Pass. Johnny, on the other hand, lives in Hotlanta and chills with Black Thought. Know what I’m saying? See you at Freaknik, Johnny!”
When asked to explain his popularity with a new generation of hip-hop stars such as Jay-Z and Kanye West, Mayer declared that, “The white man will always respect the black man’s rhythm, and the black man will always respect the white man’s melody. That is, except for when rappers try to sing.”
Reached for comment while emptying the contents of a chemical toilet over a passing tramp, Dave Matthews said, “Hey, I gave out the fucking rap award on MTV! Holler back, goddamn you!”