Los Angeles, California — Anticipating a loss to Ohio State in the upcoming national championship game, University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll held a press conference today to announce his retirement from college football and his new employment as the manager of old-school reenactment troupe, Jurassic 5. “I could not be more pumped or jacked about this opportunity,” said Carroll.
After a disastrous tenure in the NFL, Carroll went on to lead USC to 34 consecutive wins and a national championship in 2004. “I feel like I’ve done all I can do in football and it’s time to move on,” said Carroll. “Being in LA the last few years I’ve made a lot of friends, many in the entertainment industry, so this really feels like a natural next step for me. I’m just incredibly pumped and jacked right now. The J5 and I are like-minded individuals — with a positive attitude, I think we can turn this thing around.”
Carroll is hoping to turn around is Jurassic 5’s career which, despite two major label albums, MTV support, bargain bin pricing, and their multi-culti status, has yet to flourish. “Of course it’s disappointing,” said Interscope president Jimmy Iovine. “I mean, these guys have a positive message, they’re always singing and smiling, completely non-threatening and they can’t even go gold. We were expecting BEP numbers and we’re getting Blackalicious numbers instead — that’s why we brought Pete on board.”
“I’m cool with it,” said a Jurassic 5 member who wasn’t Cut Chemist, Numark, or Chali 2na. “Coach already lobbied to get us a state of the art locker room at the recording studio with flat screens and recliners and shit. We even have these ‘equipment manager’ girls hanging around, too. They’re sorta cute but definitely are good to go, which more than makes up for their looks. I mean, even Lucas got laid.”
Carroll reiterated that there would be some carry-over of his coaching style from football to the music business. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years as coach, it’s that you need a gameplan,” said Carroll. “And not just on the football field but in all aspects of life. Besides having the J5 guys pumped and jacked, we’re gonna be working on all three facets of the game – hit singles, video rotation and commercial work. All three are equally important and we recognize that from the get-go. With a few breaks and a positive mental outlook, we should be platinum in no time.”
When asked whether he was ready for the fast life that comes with working in the music biz, Carroll was quick to remind reporters, “I’ve been managing a major NCAA football program for the past four years — sex, drugs and money are second nature to me.”
He added, “Pumped and jacked.”