Supreme Court “Can’t Fucking Wait” to Overturn Sampling Decision

Secret Bomb Shelter, Washington D.C. — After a 6th Circuit Court of Appeals decision putting prohibitive restraints on sampling and effectively ending hip-hop as Puffy knows it, the U.S. Supreme Court is reportedly “chomping, for the sake of argument, at the hypothetical bit” to reverse the ruling in its current term, according to aides.

“Whatever the Framers intended, it was surely not this,” said Chief Justice William Rehnquist, according to a clerk overhearing him at the office oxygen machine. “‘Wack’ most accurately describes my feelings on it.”

Speaking before a group of Yale law students, Justice Ruth Ginsburg noted, “Sure, when you take a whole track and just loop it, the original artist should be compensated. But it would be faulty indeed to equate that to a producer like Primo, chopping a 3 second guitar part and rearranging the shit lovely. As this great American himself might say, y’all are violatin’, straight up and down.”

Approached in the parking lot of a Baltimore shopping strip, where his RV was parked in closest proximity to Ned’s XXX Adult Vids [“No, goddamnit, I was at the Radio Shack!”], Justice Clarence Thomas (whose nieces, nephews, and members of the same race all use the familial nickname Uncle, followed by an abbreviation of his last name, when referring to him) pledged to just go ahead and join whatever Justice Antonin Scalia’s opinion will be.

Justice Scalia declared that he is too busy working on other projects to put any thought into the sampling case. “They already have me working on the upcoming Bush v. Kerry decision,” Scalia said, “in stores early November. So, I’ll have to do what I normally do and play Rock, Paper, Scissors with [Justice] Souter. Whoever wins, gets a majority. Haha…he always makes the miscalculation that Rock defeats all.”

“By the way, is it just me, or are the other Justices using a lot of hip-hop slang recently?”