news: Guess What I Just Heard


Thug Rappers Somehow Believe Obama Presidency Affirms Their Fucked Up Values

By a Gossiping Bitch on August 23rd, 2009


Nine months into his historic presidency, Barack H. Obama is historically committing acts of historicity almost every waking moment. This is not lost on Thug Rappers, who all have high expectations for the man they uniformly supported (if not actually voted for due to felon status/lack of knowledge of electoral process/first person shooter video game playing). A survey of Thug Rappers reveals a constituency as demanding as bitch ass liberals who think Obama should have gay kissed bin Laden after paying for his dialysis treatment by this point in his first term.

“My president is black!” declares Young Jeezy, reached at the pre-school he attends. “His cabinet is white! But look here, Barack gonna make it legal for you to cap a muhfucka if you both in the dope game! They saying my new chain gonna be a tax write-off, son. Thug business expenses! Thug stimulus! I can’t stop saying thug!”


Fat person Rick Ross sees another major policy shift on the horizon. “Yo, I heard he gonna put a Hamsterdam in every city! You can go out there, on the grind, flipping weight. Which is how it should be, in my opinion. We have to move toward decriminalization, if not full legalization, because prohibition does not work, as has been shown in the past. As Milton Friedman once said on this subject…whoa, hold up a second…[extended chewing sounds, followed by slurring, wheezing and finally snoring]”

Lil Kil and Yung Jung of D.C. rap crew the Knockheadz took time from cuttin to tell us what Obama’s presidency means to them. “I shot a fair one the night he won,” recalls Mr. Kil. “I was just so happy, I grabbed some dude and instead of robbing him with a gun — which I would do under normal circumstances, all things being equal — I beat him silly putty.”


“Yeah, I was equally elated,” agrees Mr. Jung. “We ran a train on a white bitch during the Inauguration Ball to celebrate diversity. This is big for us. And I heard Barack gonna have spots where you give them toys and they’ll give you the guns back. He don’t want it with the NRA!”

Interracial gang bangs and Second Amendment arguments aside, it is clear that President Obama has touched the lives of many, bringing high hopes to a wary thug nation, fearful of losing hardcore credibility in a world of psychopathic terrorists and reality show contestants.

When thanked by this reporter for his time, Lil Kil was gracious: “Oh, no problem. Glad to be of service.

“Now, run your jewels.”

And I totally had to.

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