Thug Rappers Try to End Iraq War, Cite Slumping Sales

AP — A petition and public statement presented by a hastily-formed coalition of rappers shocked pro-war politicians and media as it called for the complete withdrawal of all U.S. and coalition forces from Iraq immediately, under penalty of revolution.

Titled, “For Real, Fam, Peace In the Middle East. Smell Me?” the missive was signed by dozens of rap luminaries, notably Prodigy and Havoc of Mobb Deep, Esham, Malice and Pusha T of The Clipse, and Lloyd Banks to name a few, and though it was only two paragraphs long, contained a startling message pleading for peace and improved record sales. The most touching part, written by Sticky Fingaz from Queens-based crew Onyx, read as follows: “I’m sayin’. Niggaz be whylin’ out over there, sticking brooms in niggaz asses and capping families in the middle of the road. I seen some shit on CNN where a motherfucker was crawling away from gunshots and this nigga capped him in the back of the head. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?!”

Apparently, these rappers’ gripe is not so much with the politics behind the war but the desensitizing effect it is having on their listening audience. “Long ago, I threatened to ‘…punch niggas in they face, just for living,'” explained Prodigy in the letter, “but now, it’s like the Army—they’re really punching niggas in they face, just for living!” Pusha T was the most sobering voice in the statement, when he begged the U.S. to “…stop depriving our nation’s youth of the right to a rich and violent fantasy life.”

Though the petition ends with a call to revolution, no concrete plans to convene and actually revolt have come forth from this coalition. “We don’t really want to create too much drama, we’re just trying to eat,” said coalition president Cormega. “But for real, if they don’t pull out of Iraq on the quick-fast, motherfuckers is getting beheaded. And the sad part is, that’s some old pussy shit nowadays.”