news: Guess What I Just Heard


Unfree Yayo

By a Gossiping Bitch on September 26th, 2005

Tony YayoLackluster would be a kind way to describe the reception of the much hyped Tony Yayo debut, Thoughts of a Predicate Felon, newly released on Interscope. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by his crew, G-Unit, as its members have already made efforts to cut their losses. Yet advisers maintain that Yayo still offers some value to the collective, especially its most well known member, 50 Cent.

“Frankly, he’s worth more to 50 in jail than out,” said Samuel Weinstein, accountant to 50 Cent, and money manager to all of G-Unit. “Believe me, I’ve went over the numbers very carefully and my friends at Interscope agree. The cost of promoting this guy everywhere is just not going to get recouped. It would seem that fans liked him better when they couldn’t hear him rap. I mean, those ‘Free Yayo’ shirts sold like hot…um…hot…well…you know, some sort of foodstuff that sells a lot in a short amount of time.”

Indeed, an informal poll conducted by Gossiping Bitches shows a startling contrast: a 20% approval rating of Tony Yayo as rapper, but a 65% approval rating of Tony Yayo as mysterious, abstract, Eminem-supported, 50 Cent-approved, imprisoned martyr of an undetermined yet profound cause.

Recognizing this, the members of G-Unit have already devised a series of wacky schemes to get Yayo to violate his parole. Olivia has offered to fix Yayo up with her 14 year old “Freshman at NYU” sister; Lloyd Banks has repeatedly made Yayo hold on to packages of unknown contents “for a couple weeks”; Young Buck solicited Yayo to play the triggerman in an assassination plot at the MTV Video Music Awards targeting Fat Joe, or the Game, or Nas, “or whoever, y’know, fuck it! Get ’em right there on the red carpet!”; and when asked by Yayo for his jewelry allowance money, 50 Cent suggested that he “go rob Jacob.”

Reached for comment at a video shoot — shirtless and well-oiled — 50 said, “N****s already calling him some ‘Bleek.’ It’s embarrassing. So we gonna do what we have to do. It ain’t me talking. It’s Generally Accepted Accounting Principles and s**t!”

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