U.S. Market Deems Audio Cassettes and Canadians Obsolete

After tallying the sales figures for 2004, the U.S. Department of Consumerism issued a list of items that could officially be deemed obsolete due to “lack of interest.” Included on the list are sheepskin condoms, audio cassette tapes, and most interestingly, Canadians.

“Honestly, I am not the least bit surprised,” said Dr. Tervenmayer-Gunk, head of research at the U.S. Dept. of Consumerism, “sales of audio cassettes have dwindled to almost nothing in the last five years. And most Americans can’t even find Canada on a map.”

Pointing to a nearby line graph, Dr. Tervenmayer-Gunk showed the progress of American interest in Canada throughout 2004. “You’ll see that in early November, there was a sharp increase in interest in Canada for many Americans. But at the close of the holiday shopping season, that interest plummeted down to nothing.”

Prime Minister of Canada Paul Martin took the news with resignation. “I can’t say I didn’t see the writing on the wall,” sighed Martin as he packed some of his personal belongings into a box. “I wanted this to work more than anybody, but there’s no sense in making a product no one wants to buy. Can’t say we didn’t try.” When asked if he would consider taking Canada to the more lenient European consumer market, Martin shook his head and smiled. “No. We were a bastion of Liberal Socialism in the Western Hemisphere,” he explained, “if we take the show to Europe, what will we be then? Just another Amsterdam, I suppose.”

The Canadian hip-hop community, such as it is, remained defiant in the face of being reminded, yet again, of their insignificance. Anti-American graffiti was spotted throughout North Syrupville. And rapper Moka Only has issued a statement to the effect that he will still be releasing self-produced albums on cassette, which affects nothing since no one listens to him anyway.

Kate Goofer of the Toronto Tribune also didn’t take the news very well. “Maybe Americans are just too pig-headed and stupid to understand what makes Canada great!” she screamed as she was led out of the press conference by security. Dr. Tervenmayer-Gunk smiled compassionately at the hysterical woman and said, “That’s cute. I’m really going to miss you guys, sort of.”

No definite plans have been made for the land that currently holds Canada, but bids have been submitted by Disney, Ted Turner, and Maxell Audio, who wishes to use the land as a repository for its billions of unsold audio cassette tapes.