For a children’s TV personality, Roosevelt Franklin sure doesn’t like much publicity.
Being that he is the only black Muppet on PBS’ Sesame Street television show, Gossiping Bitches wanted to procure an opportunity to pick at the muppet’s yarn, as it were, and see what makes him tick. The thing is, however, it proved harder than we originally anticipated.
Calls to Franklin’s office were continually dodged. Whenever we managed to slither our way through the telephone directory tree to his secretary, we were promptly hung up on. But money talks in this town, and it didn’t take much to bribe, I mean, convince Kimani and Len, I mean, Roosevelt Franklin’s publicist to grant our endearing interview.
The only stipulation was we were explicitly forbidden to ask anything pertaining to Franklin’s former on-screen & recording co-star, Mobity Mosely. Apparently, during a promotional tour for Franklin’s hip-hop record with Kimani Rodgers & Mr. Len, there was some kind of rumored altercation between Franklin and Mosely in Tucson, Arizona. Mobity, himself, has not released a record since 1971’s, My Name Is Roosevelt Franklin a.k.a. The Year of Roosevelt Franklin where he played second fiddle to Roosevelt’s lead.
The GBs reacted to this demand as any other true journalists would: We got all Mike Wallace on datazz, on some, “We will agree to no such term. We’re not making a goddamn commercial here. This is Gossiping Bitches — the highest rated and most revenue producing, wrath incurring website on the internet!” But then, recognizing this may be our only opportunity to interview the elusive puppet, GBs made a rare concession — no questions were to be asked about Mobity Mosely.
“It’s not easy being an international superstar/muppet,” Roosevelt Franklin once told Vanity Fair regarding his combative behavior with the press. “The everyday demands tend to wear on you. And what’s crazier is it happened overnight…One day I’m snapping string beans, the next day Ms. Piggy is trying to get some of this Ro-Frank ‘MUPPET LOVE’!!!”
In a candid display of off the record sentimentality, Franklin apologized for evading the GBs by saying, “Sorry it seemed as if I had my felt thumb up my velvet ass but I’m sure you understand.”
For you now, the muppet known as Roosevelt Franklin.
Gossiping Bitches: Ever think that Snuffleupagus is really an Uncle Tom?
Roosevelt Franklin: Only when he talks about killing black people to uplift the master white race.
GB: Did you ever consider marrying Maria or was the Muppet / Human stigma too much to bear? You certainly thought she was good enough to fuck.
RF: Who told you about that??? How did you know about me and Maria?!?!? Was it Sully?? BASTARD!!!!
GB: Really now, are Bert & Ernie gay or what?
RF: Only when Linda (the deaf chick) is on the rag.
GB: How does a Muppet eat ice cream?
RF: With its mouth….DUH!!!
GB: Do you think you’re better than ordinary sock puppets?
RF: C’MON!!!!! A SOCK?!?!?!?! Are you smarter than a fetus??? Sock puppets are nothing.
GB: Do you think Snuffleupagus is a sell-out or what?
RF: What’s with you and Snuffs man? He’s a little off his rocker at times but if you keep picking on him….well you know.
GB: How has the Bush administration affected Sesame Street?
RF: It’s harder for us to get through airports now. The trust just isn’t there anymore. Muppet profiling.
GB: Do you ever catch flak for having more “European” yarn Muppet hair? Are you a mixed Muppet?
RF: Where are you getting this??? I’m all felt and velvet baby.
GB: Which is more important to you, Muppet love or Muppet fucking?
RF: They rate about the same. I have to answer that way because depending on who is reading this I might end up doing the MUPPET MASTURBATION.
GB: Was there any jealousy over Elmo’s sudden and enormous popularity a few years back?
RF: Elmo is bush league. Flash in the pan nothing Roosevelt Franklin wannabe.
GB: What’s with this sexual encounter / DEA raid we hear about you and Mobity Mosely?
RF: Didn’t they tell you I didn’t want to talk about that snitch!!!